It sounds to me like you’re judging yourself, harshly, for the relationship you have with your mother. I suggest that comparing it to what you term a ‘normal’ relationship may not be particularly productive, or healthy. Perhaps a helpful starting point will be to accept your relationship with your mother for what it is, without judging it, without putting expectations on it…
“When we unconsciously cling to a particular perspective, we run the risk of limiting our life experience and results, like the frog in the well that thinks the sky is only as big as the top of the well.”
David B. Wolf
Awareness of our assumptions, or belief systems, enables us to consider whether they actually work for us. It also allows us to be open to alternative, more satisfying possibilities for viewing ourselves and the world.