Posts Tagged ‘Relationships That Work’
ATTITUDE OF DISCOVERY
“Approaching relationships with an attitude of discovery and deep listening, means that diverse viewpoints enrich relations, rather than divide them.”
David B Wolf – Relationships That Work
WARMTH, EMPATHY & GENUINENESS
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
Researchers have conducted a multitude of studies on the effects of the many types of therapies to determine which approaches are most effective in helping someone feel better and solve problems. These studies have indicated that outcomes are not primarily correlated with the type of counseling being practiced. What do correlate highly with positive outcomes are the qualities of the counselor. The essential qualities of an effective helper are warmth, empathy and genuineness (WEG). That is to say, regardless of the theoretical orientation of the counselor or school of techniques used, the extent to which the practitioners possessed warmth, empathy and genuineness directly corresponded with successful results. Warmth, empathy and genuineness are inherent qualities of the self. Thus effective helping is not dependent on university degrees or experience in the mental health professions. (In fact, such training can even be a barrier. In one study only about 13 percent of mental health professionals responded with empathy to a depressed client.)
It is important to note that true warmth is not a sentimental emotive expression. It is sincere understanding and caring. We do not want to use warmth to cover for lack of competence in communication skills. Natural warmth inspires trust. With empathy we understand the other person’s perspective. This does not mean that we necessarily agree with that perspective; we can leave our frame of reference without abandoning it.
Genuineness means that we are authentic and spontaneous. While acknowledging that we may play various roles in life, we do not hide behind those roles. For example, though a person might recognize that he is the manager, child, youngest or senior member of a group, counselor or parent in a relationship, he does not allow these roles to become an obstacle to genuine human interaction.
EXPRESSING LOVE AND CARE
“To know how to effectively listen and convey understanding is a key element in expressing love and care.”
David B Wolf – Relationships That Work
SERVICE AS OUR DHARMA
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
To enrich understanding of our innate spiritual qualities, the principle of dharma is very helpful. Dharma refers to “that which cannot be separated from a thing.” Fire, for example, can be used for different purposes, such as cooking. Cooking however is not the dharma of fire, because fire can exist without cooking. Heat is the dharma of fire. Heat is an intrinsic, inseparable quality of fire.
From observation we can understand that our dharma is to serve. As sugar cannot avoid being sweet, so we too cannot avoid serving. It is our constitutional nature. Where there is a human being, there is service. We may direct our propensity to service in different directions; perhaps we serve our nation, family or company, our belly, an ideology or our species. The way in which we manage our propensity to serve will greatly influence our experiences of life, and of ourselves.
If our inherent tendency to serve is applied only toward bodily functions, the spiritual self is left empty. Being spiritual, our nature is spiritual service. Spiritual service means that our endeavors enhance the spiritual lives of ourselves and others. One important principle of personal growth is to be a source for the spiritual development of others. Service is the natural activity that evokes the joy of the soul.
For our service to be complete and satisfying, it needs to address the spirit—the driver of the car. Spiritual growth is not an exercise in self-absorption; it involves determined dedication to the highest aspirations of others. We can think of our spiritual core as the root of the tree of our being. Just as watering or serving the root automatically nourishes all parts of the tree, attending to our spirit nurtures each dimension of our selves—including the physical, intellectual, emotional and social. Truly being of service to others means relating to them as essentially spiritual in nature.
LIGHT OF AWARENESS
” What is happening externally is a reflection of what is happening internally. Shining the light of awareness on what is going on inside uncovers creative potential that has been locked away.”
David B. Wolf – Relationships That Work
THE NATURE OF SPIRIT
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
Great wisdom traditions affirm that our nature reflects the supreme. In Genesis, for example, it is said that we are created in the image of God. What is this supreme nature that we represent? Is it fearful? Confused? Resentful? Weak? Overwhelmed with anxiety? When I think of divine nature, I envision qualities such as power, vitality, fearlessness, contentment and compassion. In accord with the world’s major wisdom traditions, my conviction is that our fundamental nature is spiritual and sacred, inherently balanced, whole and complete. This understanding underlies the principles and process of this book.
The Vedic body of spiritual knowledge that has inspired much of my thought describes the central qualities of our spirit as sat, chit and ananda. This means that we are constitutionally eternal, conscious and blissful. We can understand something about this nature by observing ourselves. For example, whether through anti-lock brakes or thermonuclear devices, much of our energy is employed in eluding death. Why? Because as spiritual beings we are not meant to die. Each of us seeks to expand our consciousness, perhaps through a study of history, philosophy or maybe through the politics and economics of the day. We strive for happiness, knowledge and eternity in so many ways, but often do not find the joy and fulfillment we seek. This indicates that our activities may be misdirected, with respect to spiritual development, and leads us to wonder, “What is my essential activity as a spiritual being?”
CONSCIOUS LIVING
“Conscious living involves examining what our habits have made us, what part of the legacy from our past habits we truly want to keep and what we choose to discard.”
David B Wolf – Relationships That Work
LANGUAGE REFLECTS CONSCIOUSNESS
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
An important aspect of the courses I conduct is that the participants examine their lives from alternative perspectives, and change for the better as a result of that exploration. At the core of this examination are the principles of choice and responsibility. A stance of personal responsibility is the most effective attitude for living a life of excellence and creating the experience and results we desire.
In the seminars we spend time looking at how language affects and reflects consciousness. For example, we consider the expression “I can’t” in contrast to “I’m not willing to.” Through an experiential process, participants often realize that they use “I can’t” to express a sense of disempowerment, whereby the script of their lives is written by external forces, whereas “I am willing to” or “I am not willing to” reflects a consciousness of responsibility, personal power and choice. Frequently I hear participants say that “I can’t” feels easier to say, although “I’m not willing to” is more honest.
Several years ago I was conducting couples counseling. In one case a man would regularly lose his temper with his wife. Sometimes this would happen at especially precarious times, such as when they were driving on the highway. Understandably, this behavior damaged the relationship. The woman acknowledged that she had played a part in the situation, provoking him in various ways. The man said, when his wife prodded him with particular statements, in a certain tone of voice, “There’s nothing I can do. I can’t help it. I just become enraged at her.”
I proposed to him a hypothetical scenario. “Your wife has said what she says in the tone of voice with which you are so familiar. She has done that, and it is the moment before you explode with rage. The difference is that this time you know that if you don’t lose your temper, you’ll receive ten million dollars, tax free. Would you become enraged with your wife?” Some hesitation, then, “Well, if I knew I was getting ten million dollars…no, I guess not.”
“But wait a second. I don’t understand. You said that you couldn’t help it. There was nothing you could do. You just had to get enraged with your wife.”
“Yeah, but ten million dollars…”
“Okay, now this is a different ball game. Now I am understanding that you have a choice, and you’re choosing to get mad at your wife. You just indicated that you could make other choices, and you’re choosing anger in that situation.”
As long as the power for his anger is with his wife, or any external factor, there is not much room for progress in addressing this client. Once he acknowledges choice, there is something to work with. “You have choices. How come you’re deciding to lose your temper with your wife? What other possibilities are available?”
As director of an international child protection office, I worked with a forensic psychologist who assisted us in designing training for child protection team members. He specialized in therapy for sex offenders. He shared a technique he utilized when the sex offender would not accept responsibility for his actions.
“I was in the room with the girl and I couldn’t help myself…”
The therapist would then offer, “Okay, suppose it’s the same scenario. You are in the room with the nine-year-old girl. This time, though, the difference is that also in the room is a police officer with a handgun. Would you touch the girl?”
“With a cop there with a gun! Of course not.”
“But you said you couldn’t help it.”
“Yeah but if a cop is there with a gun I’m not going to touch the girl.”
“Okay, so you had a choice. You could have decided differently. How come you chose to molest the girl?”
In this way the psychologist helped the offender acknowledge that he had hundreds of choice points, at each one of which he made a particular response, which led to a distinct result. He chose to speak to the girl in a specific way; he chose to turn the doorknob, and so on and so on. At any of these choice points the man could have responded differently and created a different result. Once this person had recognized his responsibility, and acknowledged that his responses (or lack of them) had led to the final situation, the therapist could productively address issues with him.
LIVING VS SURVIVING
“There is a distinction between living and surviving. Spiritually based personal growth entails a commitment to living, rather than mere surviving. Surviving is reactive.”
David B Wolf, Relationships That Work
WHO AM I?
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
Expressions such as awakening, enlightenment, self-improvement and personal development have become household words. But what do they really mean? What is it that awakens or enlightens? What is the self that improves? Who is the one that develops?
Through science we know that the body continuously changes and transforms itself. Not one cell in your body now was part of your five-year-old body. Yet when you look at a childhood photo you think, “That is me when I was five,” although the body is completely different. So how do we recognize ourselves? Clearly there is something that remains the same, apart from bodily and even mental changes. This something indicates an identity separate from the body and mind, an unchanging spiritual essence. It is to this spiritual essence that the world’s wisdom traditions point.
The focal point for spiritual principles of personal growth is our true identity beyond the physical body and subtle mind. To be satisfying and complete, our self-help endeavors must recognize this non-physical self. It is common to lose connection with this essential self, even without awareness that we have done so. Soren Kierkegaard once stated, “The greatest danger, that of losing one’s own self, may pass off quietly as if it were nothing; every other loss, that of an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, is sure to be noticed.”
Athato brahma jijnasa. This well-known Sanskrit aphorism helps me to remember my spiritual identity and purpose in life. The meaning of the adage is “Now is the time to inquire into the nature of Ultimate reality.” It signifies that now that we possess a human form of life, we have a responsibility to deliberate about spiritual matters. There is some obvious importance in fulfilling the needs of the body, such as eating, sleeping and shelter; However, if our inquiries and endeavors do not extend beyond that, then we are not realizing the capacity of our spirit. If I buy an expensive computer and use it as a doorstop, it will not fulfill its actual potential. Just as the computer can accomplish much more than stopping a door, so we too can use our bodies, mind and intelligence for elevating our consciousness for the purpose of spiritual progress.
Since the word “spiritual” is used in a variety of ways, it is important to define my understanding of the term. By spiritual I mean beyond, or not limited by, materially based identifications—such as “I am thin,” “I am the mother of this child,” “I look great in a suit,” “I am a member of this religion” or “I am a very disciplined person.” These appellations apply to the covering of the spirit self, but not to the actual self.
I drive a Toyota. Naturally I care for the car, keeping it tuned up and filled with the right fluids. But if I think that my own thirst is quenched when I fill the car with gasoline, I am under an illusion and will not be satisfied. I do not believe that I am Japanese just because the car was made in Japan, any more than I would believe myself to be German if I were driving a Mercedes Benz. Clearly this is a foolish idea. Yet if we identify with designations that apply to the temporary body (the vehicle) rather than the spiritual self, we are making the same mistake. Just as the owner of the car changes to another car when the old one is finished, our spirit changes to another body at the time of death. Recognizing and attending to material designations or roles may serve the spiritual journey, just as an automobile can facilitate travel to the destination. But misidentification of the self with these designations is a diversion from our pursuit of spiritual understanding. It often leads to many unhealthy isms, such as nationalism, sexism and racism.
Bodies change, spiritual identity remains. Thoughts also change. Some bring a smile to our face, others are embarrassing. Some are practical, some are outlandish. But we are not our thoughts. So what is the nature of this thing that thinks, that uses fingers to write with a keyboard, that peers through eyes that read, “So what is the nature of this thing that thinks…”?
