“Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.”

Chinese Proverb

Excerpt From A Coaching Letter Written By David Wolf

In this letter David points to how we stifle our growth and self-discovery by our judgments.

. . . I hear how you are noticing your tendency to give the power for and control of your experience to [  ]. It seems that you’re not just noticing it, you’re also judging yourself for it.

“Judging” in the sense that your reaction is not merely “I’m not satisfied and I’m committed to change,” but rather “This isn’t good”. I mention this because oftentimes if our inspiration for change comes from a place of self-acceptance, we’re more likely to succeed at and enjoy the process, compared with when our motivation is driven by harsh self-judgment. I’m not saying that you’re reaction necessarily indicates harsh self-judgment. I’m perceiving that there is something in you, in connection with your relationship with [ ], that you want to shift. You sense that there is a growth opportunity here. In pursuing that self-discovery I encourage you to look at the consciousness behind it, in the spirit of  “The consciousness that created a problem is not able to resolve the problem.” . . .

Excerpt from a coaching letter written by Dr. David Wolf :

Client: Could you explain to me the distinction between being authentic and indulging in negative feelings?

David: “My understanding of the distinction between authenticity and indulgence in negative feelings is that authentic expression is life-enriching, energizing personal growth and upliftment of consciousness for ourselves and others. We may authentically experience and express emotions that may be painful and unpleasant, such as anger, pain, shame, hurt, and fear, in a way that elevates awareness and is genuinely healing, healthy and releasing. That’s different than indulgence in negative feelings, which I view as a grungy way to justify hanging onto toxic emotions such as resentment, depression, etc., perhaps under the guise of “expressing my feelings”. The consciousness behind authenticity is sincerely life-enhancing, whereas the consciousness behind indulgence in negativity is life draining. In both cases there may be expression of feelings, though the result is quite different. Authenticity is liberating, whereas negativity indulgence entangles us further in unhealthy and unproductive emotional patterns.”

A Sacred Place In Relationships

The focus of the Satvatove programs are transformative communication skills that are valuable for anyone interested in excellence in interpersonal relations.

Utilization of such principles and techniques creates a sacred space in relationships. This provides an environment for clearing interpersonal barriers, and for powerful internal exploration and purification. In such a consciousness we are facilitated to courageously express all qualities of our being.

You-Me

Immediacy is an important interpersonal tool that provides valuable feedback and requires assertiveness. With immediacy, we engage in direct talk about our relationship with the person with whom we are speaking. Often in relationships we talk about things happening outside the relationship, and certainly there is a place for that. Willingness and skill to engage in “you-me” talk, direct talk about the relationship itself, is especially enriching and conducive for high- level interpersonal relating.

An immediacy statement could take the form of expressing about your experience and perception of the general state of the relationship. “We seem to really aggravate each other a lot. Maybe it will be helpful to talk about this.” “I am feeling uncomfortable that you seem to need my permission so much. I have allowed myself to assume the role of granting permission. I’m worried about this dynamic between us.” Psychologist Carl Rogers speaks about utilizing direct talk to effectively challenge a client. “…I recall a client with whom I began to realize I felt bored every time he came in…Because it was a persistent feeling I realized I would have to share it with him…So with a good deal of difficulty and some embarrassment, I said to him, ‘I don’t understand it myself, but when you start talking on and on about your problems in what seems to me a flat tone of voice, I find myself getting very bored.’

This was quite a jolt to him and he looked very unhappy. Then he began to talk about the way he talked and gradually he came to understand one of the reasons for the way he presented himself verbally. He said ‘You know, I think the reason I talk in such an uninteresting way is because I don’t think I have ever expected anyone to really hear me.’ We got along much better after that because I could remind him that I heard the same flatness in his voice I used to hear.”

The tool of immediacy can also be used to address what is happening on the spot. “You seem hesitant to talk with me.” “I’ve noticed that we seem to be dancing around the issues in this conversation.” “Just now, as I started to speak about my promotion, you folded your arms and looked down at the ground.

I’m wondering what message you are sending to me with that.”

Immediacy Statements Demand The Courage to be Genuine and Vulnerable

Immediacy statements demand the courage to be genuine and vulnerable. Also, they require competence in other communication tools, such as empathy, attending behavior, and “I” statements. In presenting expressions of immediacy we want to be tentative in our language, because our comments may touch on sensitive areas, and while the effect can be confrontative, we don’t want to be intimidating. Tentativeness can include phrasing such as “perhaps…”, “It seems to me…” and “It is my impression that…” Because of the challenging nature of immediacy, it is important that we ensure that we have built a level of trust, perhaps using tools such as reflective listening and open-ended questions, that can contain the use of immediacy. Otherwise, our attempt at this skill may be a roadblock. Effective use of immediacy entails awareness of what is happening in the relationship accompanied by sufficient psychological distance to empathically and assertively respond to uneasy patterns or moments.

When we share an immediacy statement, such as “I feel very respected by the way you’ve listened to me just now,” or “I’m feeling uneasy and tense with you, like maybe I said something that offended you,” we convey valuable feedback while exploring our relationship with another person. Immediacy not only shines light on our relationship, it also provides a perspective for the person to see patterns in other relationships. If I experience someone as manipulative, or mechanical, or amazingly inspirational, I may not be the only one in the person’s life who perceives him that way.

Immediacy is beneficial for diffusing tension or mistrust in relationships. “I feel my body getting tense in this talk with you, and you seem annoyed by anything I say. Yet, we’re both smiling as if everything’s okay.” “I sense that it’s still hard for you to trust me since I didn’t show up for that appointment we had two months ago.” Other uses for this relationship skill include directly handling attraction or repulsion between people, and addressing barriers to clear relationships. “There seems to be some indication that the fact that I earn more money even though you’ve been at the company longer, is causing us both to be uncomfortable with and avoid each other.”

Without the capacity for “you-me” talk, relationships become blocked, with the participants fearful to speak about, or even acknowledge, what is stifling expression. That which is bottled up may surface in forms such as hostilities and withdrawing. Here is an exercise to integrate immediacy and empathy.

Empathy and Immediacy Exercise:

Consider your relationships with three people in your life. Write down an immediacy concern that you believe this person might have with you. That is, if she or he were to share “you-me” talk with you, what do you think he or she might say? To do this requires that you enter the person’s world and empathically connect with what is happening for him, in relation to you. After you’ve done this, if you’re feeling adventurous, share with the person what you’ve written, and invite him to respond. Also, in reciprocation, you can encourage him to share what he thinks might be your immediacy concern with him.

Sharing of immediacy can be deeply rewarding, though also it can be delicate.

Therefore, I suggest that after each expression in this exercise, the listening partner mirrors back what the other shared, to ensure understanding and minimize the possibility of reactivity.

These values, principles, and codes set forth standards by which Satvatove coaches, coach trainees, staff, facilitator trainees and facilitators may be held accountable, by clients, students, colleagues, and any member of society.

Values- Service, Integrity, Excellence, Dignity and inherent worth of every person, Accountability, Commitment, Human relationships, Personal Growth, Spiritual essence of all living beings, Self-determination.

Satvatove coaches, coach trainees, staff, facilitator trainees and facilitators behave in a trustworthy manner. They conduct themselves in a manner consistent with Satvatove’s values.

Satvatove coaches, coach trainees, staff, facilitator trainees and facilitators continually develop and enhance their expertise. They strive to increase their knowledge and skills and to apply them in their service to others. Additionally, Satvatove coaches and facilitators endeavor to contribute to the knowledge-base of the Satvatove mission.

Satvatove coaches, coach trainees, staff, facilitator trainees and facilitators honor clients and seminar participants in their life and work. S/he believes that every client is creative, resourceful and whole. Coaches, coach trainees, staff, facilitator trainees and facilitators take responsibility to encourage client/student self-discovery, client/student-generated solutions and strategies, and client/student responsibility and accountability, Facilitators and coaches believe that the client or student has the capacity to handle his or her situation at a high level of effectiveness, and that a stance of personal responsibility is valuable to facilitate this. Coaches, coach trainees, staff, facilitator trainees and facilitators support and challenge clients and students to examine the possible limitations of their world view and self view, thereby enabling students and clients to grow and manifest their full potential.

Coaches, coach trainees, staff, facilitator trainees and facilitators represent themselves as qualified only within the framework of their education, training, certification or other relevant experience. Satvatove coaches, coach trainees, staff, facilitator trainees and facilitators should provide services and use techniques or approaches only after engaging in appropriate study, training and supervision.

Satvatove coaches, coach trainees, staff, facilitator trainees and facilitators should be aware of potential conflicts of interest that may interfere with the exercise of professional discretion and the delivery of quality services. Coaches, coach trainees, staff, facilitator trainees and facilitators should not take unfair advantage of any professional relationship to exploit others.

Satvatove staff, coaches, coach trainees, facilitator trainees and facilitators encourage persons involved with Satvatove Institute to continue their involvement with Satvatove programs, with due consideration of which programs will be beneficial for each person.

Satvatove staff, coaches, coach trainees, facilitator trainees, and facilitators do not use their connection with Satvatove Institute, whether it be in the capacity of course staff member, coach trainee, or any other capacity, to solicit persons involved with Satvatove Institute for personal services where the person proposing the relationship will receive reimbursement from the other party. This includes services such as personal coaching. This means, for example, that a staff member at a Satvatove seminar will not approach a seminar participant, or another staff member, to ask if s/he would like to be a coaching client of the staff member making the request.

Satvatove Institute representatives should not solicit private information from clients unless it is necessary to do so in order to perform their functions as coaches, coach trainees, staff, facilitator trainees or facilitators. Persons representing Satvatove should protect the confidentiality of information obtained in the course of coaching or conducting seminars. Confidentiality must be applied in the context of a commitment to prevent serious, foreseeable and imminent harm to a client, student, or other person. Satvatove representatives should use their discretion to balance these principles in practical application.

Representatives of Satvatove who engage in appropriate physical contact with clients or students are responsible for setting clear, appropriate and sensitive boundaries that govern such physical contact.

Satvatove coaches, coach trainees, staff, facilitator trainees and facilitators should treat colleagues with respect and should accurately represent the qualifications and views of colleagues.

Satvatove representatives should take reasonable steps to ensure that documentation of services is accurate and reflects in a balanced way the services provided. Satvatove coaches, coach trainees, staff, facilitator trainees and facilitators should ensure that their private conduct does not interfere with their ability to fulfill their professional responsibilities.

Those who represent Satvatove respect the creative and written work of others and they do not misrepresent such work as their own.

Certified Satvatove Coaches, Certified Satvatove Seminar Facilitators, coach-trainees, facilitator-trainees and seminar staff members acknowledge and understand their ethical responsibilities to clients, colleagues, and to the public-at-large. They understand that others expect them to comply with and model the values and principles described herein.

Persons who are dissatisfied with the conduct of a Satvatove representative may complete and submit to Satvatove a Conduct Review Request. This request will be handled by the Satvatove Conduct Review Process.

Being Authentic Is A Key For Vibrant Living

For most of us, consistent authenticity involves conscious, courageous effort. It’s a challenge to recognize our deceptions and pretenses, and differentiate them from actual self-discovery. Each moment our integrity is connected with willingness to be authentic. Authenticity vitalizes our immediate experience, and also enriches the service legacy we create for others.

Willing To Be Uniquely Ourselves

The habit of authenticity makes us a distinction in the world, a human being willing to be uniquely ourselves. This isn’t about reactively differentiating ourselves, which is the flipside of following the crowd, but rather full and genuine expression of our spirit. This requires great intention, as social pressures tend towards conformity and conditioned behavior at the expense of honest realization of self.

Intention itself is a spiritually-based principle of personal growth. A fundamental characteristic of intention is clarity- to be completely clear on who we want to be, what we want to experience, and the actions and results that flow from that. In addition to clarity, fully believing that our intention is possible is also essential. A third element is readiness to accept what we say we want for our lives. We can ask ourselves to what extent are we actually prepared to receive the abundance and success of our intention manifesting. This could lead to productively addressing self-defeating beliefs connected with, for example, a sense of unworthiness. The totality of these elements- clarity, belief and acceptance- constitutes clear intention. Clear intention is firm, yet flexible to the indications and will of the divine. Lacking clear intention we are likely to live a life with a script written by others. Living from clear intention we are truly the authors of our life.

Such a life of distinction represents a standard to which others may aspire. Of course, endeavoring for authenticity for the purpose of being recognized as an inspiration for others could well be another strategy for the ego to seek approval. Still, we can appreciate that an effect of an authentic life is that it is inherently a service to others. In fact, we may be most inspiring to those who struggle with the same challenges we handled in our journey. For example, if our path to genuineness is characterized by transforming the needy, helpless script to an assertion of power, confidence and intelligence, then our willingness to be authentic is especially poignant for people playing out a similar script. Similarly, if our transformation is marked by creative expression where formerly there was dull routine, or vulnerability that was covered by bravado, or adventurous risk-taking in place of playing not to lose, we serve as a model for others immersed in those same life-draining, surviving instead of thriving, conversations.

In the Satvatove environment we speak about assertiveness. Assertiveness is founded in authenticity. We need to know who we are and be connected with our core in order to know who or what it is we are asserting. Otherwise, in the name of assertiveness we may be into yet another game.

In a life of distinction we assert and communicate from our being. Otherwise, we get caught up in doing and having, disconnected from being, searching externally for experiences such as satisfaction, power and beauty, that are inherent to our nature. We are human beings, not human doings. Being a distinction is not only personally fulfilling- it is also, from my perspective, an integral aspect of our responsibility as human beings.

In The Beginning Was The Word

Just as the supreme creates with his word, we too, as parts of the ultimate source, create our lives with our word. In the Vedic tradition there is a literature called Upadeshamrita, or The Nectar of Instruction. It is a short book, and concludes with a depiction of the most elevated spiritual consciousness. The initial sentence of The Nectar of Instruction describes the importance of controlling words, for anyone interested in spiritual progress.Throughout the Satvatove programs we have opportunity to be aware of our relationship with our word, and its effect on our life and relationships.

Exercise

Whether or not you’ve participated in the Foundational Seminar, I ask the readers to go through a process similar to an exercise in that course. Bring to mind a time when someone made an agreement with you, and broke that agreement, and afterwards you saw the person face-to-face. Connect with this experience. Write down two or three words describing what this experience was like. Next, bring to mind a time when someone made a commitment to you, and kept it, and afterwards you saw the person, in-person. Again, connect with this experience, and on a separate list write what that felt like. Now think of an example when you made an agreement with someone, and you broke it, and afterwards you saw that person, face-to-face. Connect inside, and write a few words describing that experience. Lastly, recall an instance when you made a commitment with someone and fulfilled it. What was that like? Write it down on a separate list.

Typically, the broken agreements lists include experiences and feelings such as hurt, embarrassment, anger, undependable, confused, unclear, devalued, and disappointed. In the agreements-kept column we characteristically find words such as trust, grateful, responsible, fulfilled, secure, clear, respected, and honored. The purpose here is not to moralize about the importance of keeping our promises. It’s simply about realizing how our relationship with our word affects our experience of life. When we violate our word, then, based on our experience, as evidenced by the lists we’ve generated, our confidence and trust in others tends to decrease, and feelings like resentment, distrust, and pain are predominant. And, when we honor our agreements, confidence and trust increases, and we tend to develop an experience and environment of appreciation, affection, and harmony.

No Big or Small Agreements

Connected with this conversation about the results of our relation with our word, I’d like to offer that there aren’t big or small agreements. Consider, for example, that I say, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” and I don’t call you tomorrow. We may think, “Well, it’s no big deal.” With respect to our relationship, however, will the consequences from the broken agreements list manifest? Probably they will. Probably, at some level, your trust for me will diminish, and our relationship will feel less clean than before.

Certainly, we could think of instances where a person breaks his agreement, and the consequences discussed above perhaps will not be in effect. Suppose you’ve agreed to be somewhere at 9 AM. You stop on the side of the road and save someone’s life, and arrive at your appointment at 10 AM. Did you keep your agreement? No, though perhaps in this exceptional instance the unpleasant consequences usually attending violated commitments will not be in effect, because you served an even higher principle. I assert, though, that the vast majority of the times that we transgress our word, harmful effects materialize. Rarely are our “good stories” for not honoring our agreements actually “good stories”, in the sense that our justifications don’t negate the adverse, destructive experiences.

Many of us carry in our subconscious an equation that looks like:

Keeping Agreement =

Not Keeping Agreement

+

A Good Story

And this formula has corollaries, such as:

Being on Time =

Not Being on Time

+

A Good Story

It’s not that one side of the equation is always greater than the other. Above we cited an example – stopping on the side of the road to save a life – where the “good story” side may actually be weightier. We’re claiming that the equation isn’t an equality, though usually, more than 99% of the time, respecting our word will create an experience of life and relationship that is much more satisfying than breaching our promise.

To Grow Entails Making Challenging Commitments And Honoring Them

If we’re not creating commitment in our life, it’s likely that we’re also not sufficiently stretching ourselves to expand our limits and possibilities. If we do give our agreement, we’ll probably find that, despite our best efforts, we sometimes don’t follow through. A strategy for handling broken agreements with integrity is also a valuable tool for spiritual transformation and restoring relationships.

The Five As

A strategy we use in the Satvatove community is the “five As.” The five As are 1) acknowledge, 2) accept responsibility, 3) account, 4) apologize, and 5) amend.

“Acknowledge” means to recognize that we have a broken agreement, and to express this to the person whom we transgressed. We’re not justifying, or defending, or rationalizing that we haven’t broken a commitment. Acknowledgement also consists of empathically understanding the pain, disappointment, loss of trust, and other emotions we have caused by violating our word. Accepting responsibility, the second of the As, denotes realization that I responded in a particular way – or neglected to respond in a particular way – that caused me to not honor my word. I’m not playing the blame game; I’m accepting responsibility, and expressing that to the person to whom I broke a commitment. The third A is Account. Expression of accountability consists of genuinely explaining what happened. “Explanation” does not mean “defense,” or “excuse,” or “justification.” This truthful explanation may sometimes be rewarding, such as the example where we save a life at the expense of keeping our word. More often, though, our explanations may be unflattering, such as explaining, “I spaced-out about our appointment because I was watching television,” or “I paid a few bills instead of timely paying my debt.”

Apology is the fourth A, and it’s important to note that it’s fourth, not first. Oftentimes we act like apology is the first and only step in effectively handling a broken agreement. “I’m sorry” can be more about my need to look good, to restore my image, than about sincerely expressing remorse and reinstating the soundness of the relationship. Even more, we can imprudently use “I apologize” as implicit permission to do the same thing again. Without acknowledging what we’ve done, accepting responsibility and honestly accounting for it, apology can be hollow. Following the first three As, apology is a natural step in managing broken commitments. Amend is the fifth A, and consists of doing what we’re able to redress the situation. We may approach the other party for ideas for remedial action.

Create a Culture of Trust

Through making and keeping agreements we grow and strengthen our relationships. Each of us can identify things we could do, things we should do, to better our lives. My proposal is that before we end our day today we each make a commitment, and keep it. It could be apparently large or small. The significant point is that by creating and fulfilling an agreement, we create a culture of trust, security and optimism.