“Conscious living entails examining what our habits have made us, and what part of the legacy from our past habits we truly want to keep, and what we choose to discard.”

David B. Wolf

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

David Wolf interacts with a caller on 1230 WBLQ.  Callers get to ask their questions and receive coaching on the spot.

I am in Vrndavana. Vrndavana is a town in north India, specially known for an atmosphere conducive for developing prema, the highest love between the individual spirit and the Supreme. I awoke this morning to the pre-dawn chorus of Vrndavana kirtan and bhajan, radiating from hundreds of chakras of transcendental sound vibration throughout the sacred village. Immersion in such sound vibration before sunrise invites the soul towards profound spiritual joys as an auspicious start for the day.

Prema- The Source of all Love

Prema, personal loving relation with the Divine, is all-inclusive, free from limitation. Just as by watering the root we automatically nourish all branches, leaves and twigs, we similarly nurture our relationships with all persons by cultivating love for the source of all creation.

The First Duty of Love is to Listen

My specific purpose here in Vrndavana is to conduct experiential seminars on transformative communication. We might wonder about the connection between communication skills and the sublime love called prema. In this regard I am reminded of the quote from theologian and philosopher Paul Tillich, “The first duty of love is to listen.” Sometimes it’s helpful to distinguish between the feeling of love, and love as a verb. A vital action in loving relations is high-level communication, beginning with deep, attentive listening.

About 500 years ago the Six Goswamis of Vrndavana inspired a renaissance, centered in Vrndavana, of prema-bhakti, personal devotional love as a means for self- and God-realization. The writings of these sages carefully differentiate between spiritual prema and material lust. One of these Goswamis, Srila Rupa Goswami, a leading Vedic scholar of the age, wrote Sri Upadesamrita, The Nectar of Instruction. This short treatise on spiritual life concludes with a depiction of Radha-kunda, a place and consciousness where prema is the sweetest. Indeed, Rupa Goswami describes those who have attained Radha-kunda as “the most fortunate people in the universe.”

Interestingly, the first words of Nectar of Instruction are “vaco vegam”, referring to the urge to speak. Herein Rupa Goswami expresses that the first step on the journey of spiritual realization, and ultimately towards absorption in the most intense and inspirational love, is to be conscious with our speech.

This illuminates the fundamental principle of transformative communication. Skills, or technique, are external, mechanics meant to serve the essence. At its essence, the principles of conscious communication comprise a systematic process of self-realization. This process utilizes mastery of hearing and expression to create sacred space. In that space we get to support each other and ourselves to unlock the mysteries of prema within our hearts, and experience infinite and untainted love.

Read some comments from graduates of the recent Satvatove Vrndavana experience.

After the Foundational Seminar S. K. Boehm commented “It was a mind-blowing experience.” And after the Advanced Seminar Experience she wrote “The Satvatove Advanced Seminar opened new dimensions of myself to me. I am now able to do things I thought to be impossible before. I got some great tools for communication and relationships. I realized that I have much unused potential in myself, which I am now going to apply in my life.”

Stefano, father of Sanaka (who organized these Vrndavana seminars), expressed:

“Thank you for allowing me to participate in the Satvatove courses in Vrndavana. This was a kind of journey inside myself. Due to my intense desire to change and the great help of Sanaka, I experienced amazing results. The most important result for me- it was feeling my heart opening to the love for my son. I found my son after 32 years.”

And Maria, Sanaka’s mother, shared: “During my life I have tried many things in the attempt to overcome my self-destructive mental and emotional tendencies and habits. The Satvatove seminar was the most powerful healing experience to date; it was an amazing journey that brought me from the darkness of my heart to the light of my genuine healthy self. I experienced the seminar as a sort of rebirth, guided and supported by loving, dedicated and qualified people.”

Priya, who travelled from Florida to India for the courses, wrote “…I had a magical experience with all of you…”

A sannyasi is a member of the renounced order of life in the Vedic spiritually-based social system. We had a sannyasi in the Vrndavana courses- Visnu Swami, who shared:

“I feel really good after the Satvatove Experience. In the beginning when David was talking about transformation I thought that it was just a catchy way to sell the Satvatove advanced course. But to my pleasant surprise I feel transformed. The entire world looks different now. I feel more confident, balanced and capable then I ever did. I feel that now with clear intention and…accountability, actually with just everything from Satvatove, I can achieve anything. For a long time I ‘ve been wanting to get a few things established in my day and life, like an exercise program, reading and studying etc and now I am actually doing them. I am not stressed out all the time like I used to be. …The whole experience has just been magical. And being with this special group made it even better. I really don’t think it would have been the same magic with a different group….I got in a little disagreement with my little brother. I hurt his feelings. I was annoyed with him and he was annoyed with me. Normally when this happens I just say something that makes me feel that I am the ‘good guy’ and that makes me feel that I am right, we would ignore what happened and forget about it (or pretend to forget about it). But this time I busted out the Satvatove stuff and really listened to him and reflected. It worked!! The bad feelings all disappeared and we had an amazingly close connection with each other. It was great!!”

From Bimala Naysmith, about the Foundational Seminar- “I had already participated in the Foundational before, so I somewhat knew what to expect. I don’t think though I had anticipated how much I would realise this time round. I definitely feel this really is the beginning for me…”

And about his Advanced Course experience- “The Advanced Course really allowed me to get in touch with myself- Allowing me to communicate and understand others around me in a far deeper and richer way. I have already used some of the tools in my communication with my partner and understand where she is coming from and what she is saying…”

Jay:

Foundational- “I can see how if the number of people with these tools increased, so would the quality of communication…”

Advanced- “… I have never cried so much. I have never laughed so much. I have never danced so much. I miss the experience in all its intensity, fear, and joy. I felt so safe and vulnerable at the same time. It was a challenge for me to break through the numbness and though I did not feel as successful as others, that was my challenge: to fight that numbness and learn more about myself regardless. What a grand group of people to have on that journey!

“Though it is too soon to honestly know the true difference, I definitely feel a change between the person I was walking in, and the person I was walking out. …I feel like I got more of an idea of what I want out of life and who I am as a person. …Thank you once again for my experience. I have shared with so many people the alternative perspective you brought about, especially taking responsibility for the choices I make…”

Celine:

I had a breakthrough during a debate (one could even say argument;o)) …where at first neither of us wanted to get into the other’s world, so we just kept emphasizing our own point/experience. The conversation was going downhill fast and I realized that I could choose to get into his world.  I knew it would make him feel happy and understood. However, my ego didn’t want to because I was worried that my point wouldn’t be heard in the end, or would end up being minimized if I understood and valued his….:o)  BUT I decided to do some reflective listening anyway, and I actually ended up finding it quite fun. As he got more and more happy and felt more and more understood, I found myself actually loving it and getting really into the empathy of it.   By the end I was shocked to find that I didn’t even care about my point being heard, and EVEN more shocking is that by the end of it I didn’t even care much about my point altogether; It no longer mattered to me as much as it had at first……and I felt uplifted…… So I will try this again, especially when I am attached to not letting go of my view/point….I’ll even gather the courage to try it with those close to me, where it is needed most, and yet harder to do. I’ll risk my point not being valued, in order to create a space where those close to me feel honored, and their point valued……..”

Author Advises How to Deal With “Desk Rage”
By Sheryl Silver

“If you’re on the receiving end of someone’s desk rage, understanding is a powerful tool to employ,” said Wolf. “If we can show that we understand what the person raging is saying, we can often diffuse the situation and help them deal with their grievance(s) in a calmer, more effective way.”

David B. Wolf, PhD, author
Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living
You’ve probably heard of road rage — but what about “desk rage”? It’s a term used to describe the hostility and on-the-job outbursts people experience when they can no longer control their anger or cope with frustrations at work.

Desk rage isn’t a new phenomenon but according to David B. Wolf, PhD, author of Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living, it appears to be on the rise.

“I don’t have statistics to document the increase in desk rage,” said Wolf, “but anecdotally, I am hearing about it more lately from managers with whom I do coaching.”

The stresses of the current economy may be a contributing factor. Besides rising fuel prices and lower home values, Wolf pointed out that after companies cut their employee ranks, as many have done recently, the remaining employees tend to inherit the tasks their terminated co-workers handled.

“Typically, these employees are asked to handle the increased workload with no increase in salary and no real expectation of job security,” said Wolf. “The situation is a recipe for frustration and a rise in desk rage.”

While Wolf says most people don’t handle desk rage well, he believes they can learn to cope more successfully with it by employing certain communication techniques.

For starters, Wolf said it’s important to remain emotionally neutral when an episode of desk rage occurs. “Sometimes the anger being expressed is about a third party — a boss, another co-worker. But even if the rage is directed at you, don’t react defensively,” said Wolf. “Take a deep breath, keep your voice low, and remember the person’s rage isn’t really about you.”

The key, according to Wolf, is not letting fear or your own anger take hold in such a situation. “If you’re on the receiving end of someone’s desk rage, understanding is a powerful tool to employ,” said Wolf. “If we can show that we understand what the person raging is saying, we can often diffuse the situation and help them deal with their grievance(s) in a calmer, more effective way.”

“Understanding, by the way, does not necessarily mean agreeing with the person,” added Wolf. “Sometimes we might think the person is justified in their anger but sometimes we don’t. How we respond to the person expressing the anger, however, is key to de-escalating the rage factor.”

“Mirroring” what the person is saying is one way to convey your understanding. This approach involves restating, as best you can, what you just heard the person say to you. For example, if the raging co-worker said, “You screwed up my presentation by not having the report I asked for. We’re going to lose this client thanks to you!” you could respond, “I know you’re furious. You’re upset I didn’t have the report you requested and think this could jeopardize our client contract.”

“This approach allows the outraged co-worker an opportunity to confirm that what you heard and understood was correct — or to say, No, that’s not what I said,” noted Wolf. “When this technique is utilized in labor/management negotiations, it’s helped to speed the result because it helps prevent misunderstanding while creating an atmosphere of understanding.”

What if you’re not on the receiving end of desk rage but feel as if you’re the person about to explode at work? Wolf recommends taking a deep breath and stating the facts of the situation upsetting you — minus any anger. For example, you might say, “The last time we met, you agreed to be at work on time daily and to call me if you were going to be late. Three days in the past week, you arrived more than a half hour late — and one of those delays was during a staff meeting when I really needed your assistance.”

Next, Wolf suggests using “I” statements to express how you feel. Regarding the previous situation, you might say, “I was frustrated by this and feel disrespected.” He suggests avoiding “you” statements such as “You made me angry.”

Finally, tell the person you’re annoyed with what you need or want, again using “I” statements. With the incident above, you could state, “I want an assistant who is respectful and responsible. I need you to honor your agreements.”

What’s the point of this approach? “We’re not denying our anger but by communicating in a less emotional and judgmental way, we’re maximizing the potential to have our concerns heard and acted upon positively,” said Wolf.

By Dawn Anfuso, Workwise
Article Launched: 08/06/2008 09:05:45 PM PDT

Years ago, while working at a fast-food restaurant, I witnessed a manager chase an employee around, yelling obscenities at him. Even at my young age and inexperience, I knew that wasn’t proper workplace behavior.

As the economy declines, and companies cut their work forces, this type of rage tends to manifest frequently among the workers “left behind.” They’re expected to do more for the same salary – with less job security, little hope for a raise and skyrocketing gas prices cutting into their earnings. It’s a recipe for frustration.

A 2008 study published in Human Resources Executive Online found that frustrated employees may represent 20 percent or more of the total work force.

When tension spreads in the workplace, so does the potential for hostility and desk rage. In fact, the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health reports nearly half of American workers have faced yelling and verbal abuse on the job, and one in four workers have been driven to tears.

Communications expert David Wolf says few people know how to cope effectively with desk rage because they’ve never been taught simple techniques to deflect it.

Wolf, a life skills coach, a social worker and the author of “Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living,” offers techniques to defuse workplace frustration:

When someone rages at you:

Stay emotionally neutral. Take a breath, keep your voice low and slow, and don’t take
Advertisement
it personally. Don’t let fear or your own anger take hold.

Restate in your own words what you just heard. Don’t add judgments or interpretations.

Be a mirror. Each time he or she comes back at you, accurately reflect back what he or she just said. They’ll quickly see that you’re listening to them. Watch how this simple technique converts hostility into reasonable dialogue.

and understanding When you’re feeling rage:

Simply state the facts of what happened. Don’t interpret or analyze them. For example, say, “You agreed to be at work on time, and to call me if you were going to be late. Three days in the past week you arrived more than a half hour late – and one of those days we had a staff meeting at which I really needed your assistance.”

Use “I” statements to express how you feel. For example, “I am frustrated by this and feel disrespected.” Avoid “you” statements, such as “You made me angry.”

Finally, tell the person what you need or want, using “I” statements. You might say, “I want an assistant who is respectful and responsible. I need you to honor your agreements.”

Dawn Anfuso is a South Bay-based business writer and former managing editor of Workforce magazine. If you have workplace or job-search questions, email Dawn at dawnanfuso@ yahoo.com. Writers will remain anonymous.

http://www.dailybreeze.com/ci_10121247?IADID=Search-www.dailybreeze.com-www.dailybreeze.com

Below is an excerpt from a letter I wrote to a coaching client.

“With respect to ‘excellence’, I don’t regard this as something that is essentially expressed with some external result, though it could manifest that way. Excellence is a way of being. My perspective is that our responsibility is to live in correct principles, such as striving for excellence, empathy, assertiveness, be-do-have, clear intention, accountability and consciousness in the result. Living in those principles is itself success. We are not the Supreme Controller, and thus external results, in a sense, are not ultimately under our control. Living in alignment with principles of personal growth, we want to also cultivate healthy non-attachment from results. Such non-attachment is different from apathy. In non-attachment we give full effort, with deep caring.”

Written by David Wolf

Relationships That Work:
The Power of Conscious Living

$14.95 – Limited Edition

Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living- How Spiritual Principles And Transformative Communication Can Change Your Life, by David B. Wolf, Ph.D.

“This book will touch the heart of every reader… Dr. Wolf’s unique ability to blend spiritual knowledge with practical advice makes Relationships That Work a must read for anyone seeking self-understanding and better communication…. Reading this book forced me to pause and reflect about the nature of my own life. This book is a worthy experience in today’s fast-paced modern world where doing and having often become facile substitutes for being.” – E. Burke Rochford Jr., Professor of Sociology and Religion, Middlebury College

“Relationships That Work is straightforward and sublime, practical and profound. David’s book inspires us to full expression in our lives. It is an experiential education, providing communication tools that open us to our spiritual journey.” – Sandy Grason, author of Journalution: Journaling to Awaken Your Inner Voice, Heal Your Life and Manifest Your Dreams

Satvatove Institute creates electrifying atmospheres for dramatic breakthroughs in your inner, personal, and professional life. We are committed to generating meaningful changes through better communication and personal transformation founded on spiritual principles.

“This is an extraordinarily compelling and practical book on becoming a master of communication. Read it, apply the strategies and principles, and enhance your life and influence beyond what you thought possible!”

– T. Harv Eker, author of the #1 NY Times Bestselling book Secrets of the Millionaire Mind.

An Uplifting, Purpose-Filled Spiritual Pursuit

Self-awareness moves us to choose life-enriching principles by which to live, some of which, such as Be-Do-Have, clear intention, and keeping agreements, have been described in previous articles. Spiritual principles for personal growth are universal, and thus, even if we are not able to articulate them, they are familiar, being inherent to our core being. Without actively applying these principles, we run the danger that our existence becomes a sort of animalistic struggle for survival, rather than an uplifting, purpose-filled spiritual pursuit.

What is Our Presentation to the World?

Each of us has a presentation to the world. Sometimes this presentation is authentic, where what is presented outside is consistent with what is happening inside. At other times our presentation is not genuine. We wear masks, facades.

Living From Choice

A spiritual principle of self-development is to live from choice, rather than from fear. Transforming our relationship with fear is an essential process of spiritual growth. Though fear may be present, instead of it being a cue to withdraw it becomes a signal to step forward and courageously take a risk. Sometimes we may put up masks from choice, such as deliberately responding that we are fine, although we don’t feel that way, because we simply don’t want to enter into conversation about our troubles. What we are addressing here is when we wear masks out of fear.

Masks take diverse forms, as varied as our personalities. There is the “happy” mask, where we want to be seen as a happy person, regardless of what may be going on inside. Being “strong” can be a mask, as can being “the class clown”, or “intellectual”. Playing the victim, or the “spiritualist”, or the helpless person, are other forms of facades.

What is Our Authentic Presentation to the World?

Of course, each of the types of masks listed above are not always masks. Each of us has a genuine happy and joyful side, an authentic intellectual way of being, a sense of humor, a strong side, a fragile side. It is when we feel we have to be a certain way, rather than choosing to be that way, that our authenticity is compromised. If I “have to” appear as “spiritual”, at the expense of acknowledging to the world, and perhaps to myself, desires or emotions that seem non-spiritual, then my spirituality is a mask and not a genuine disposition. If I feel I have to show myself as an intellectual, even at times when I would really like to drop that front and be playful, spontaneous, or emotionally expressive, then my intellectuality is a mask.

Are We Exhausted Yet?

Most of us spend much of our energy holding up masks, and pushing down experiences that we resist acknowledging. It is like holding a beach ball underwater, which requires a lot of effort to keep it down. After a while we become exhausted. A characteristic of readiness for spiritual growth is that we are exhausted with holding down our emotional beach ball. That is not how we want to spend our life energy any longer.

Living and Surviving

There is a distinction between living and surviving. Spiritually-based personal growth entails a commitment to living, rather than mere surviving. Surviving is reactive. We are in reaction to the beach ball. Holding our head above the surface, maybe putting on a smile, we show that we are in control. Actually, though, it is a pretense of control. Wherever the submerged ball moves, we move with it, not daring to allow it to be seen. It shifts here or there, and we follow. Who or what is in control? Even if we manage with great effort to keep it under, it is noticed.

Perhaps we conceal our rage, not knowing an acceptable means for its expression. But it comes out in different ways, like our irritability or loss of temper at petty things. It is similar with other components of our emotional beach ball, such as shame. Though we don’t want the world to see our sense of shame, or to recognize it ourselves, it drives our life, pervades our experience and relationships with feeling of inadequacy, of being inherently defective. It prevents us from fully sharing ourselves.

Strategies For Survival

A strategy for survival is to maintain the appearance of control. By doing this, the mask stays up, and the beach ball down. This is related to other strategies of survival, such as avoiding pain, looking good, and being right. “Looking good” means that we are invested in an appearance, rather than in being authentic. For each of us that inauthentic appearance has different forms, as explained in relation to our masks. For some of us looking good might mean showing ourselves as the strong helper. For some, looking good might mean “looking bad”, the rebel, the defiant person who doesn’t accept authority. Of course, blindly accepting authority is no virtue, though neither is indiscriminately resisting it.

“Being right” refers to a strategy where what becomes important is being right with another person, instead of genuinely being with another person. We get to be right, feel superior and self-righteous, at the expense of the closeness, understanding and intimacy we truly desire.

Strategies For Living

A life-enriching strategy conducive for the complete manifestation of our spiritual being is to participate fully in our lives, to give 100%. Not showing up fully for our own lives is at the core of self-sabotaging strategies. In fact, it is the foundation of repeating self-defeating cycles, because by not committing fully we restrict our potential to learn through experience. Acquiring wisdom involves granting ourselves the permission to make mistakes through which we learn.

A term like “experience fully” may evoke images of abandoning one’s intelligence or reason. Actually, to be fully present includes being completely available with all our faculties, including our mind and intelligence. Conscious living entails utilizing our intelligence to enrich and inform our experience. There is a distinction between employing mind and intelligence to enhance our complete contribution and presence, and using our analytical capacity as a barrier to experience. Making distinctions and judgments are a natural function of intelligence. Hiding behind those judgments is a survival strategy, borne of fear, that limits our growth, connection and experience.

Living in the Moment

Related to this, there is also an important distinction between living in the moment, and living for the moment. Living in the moment is being present, with all our qualities and capacities available. In the well known Indian scripture the Bhagavad-gita, Sri Krsna describes a person in this state as being free from lamentation about the past and hankering for the future. He is satisfied in the present. This is not the same as living for the moment, where we may whimsically abandon good sense for immediate gratification. Conscious, present living includes learning from the past, and planning for the future. In doing this, we don’t wallow in lamentation, nor do we brood in anxiety.

Giving ourselves fully to our experience is not the same as wallowing in distressing emotion. When we allow ourselves to fully experience, we feel clean, complete, resolved and ready for the next experience. To wallow in a feeling is a way of holding on to it, rather than letting it go by truly experiencing it completely.

To summarize, some common strategies for survival are being right, looking good, avoiding pain, maintaining the appearance of control, and hiding behind judgments. Life-enhancing strategies include participating fully in our lives, being courageous, suspending judgments, being vulnerable, and living with a sense of urgency.