by Jens Kirschner

From the Satvatove Archive:

In February 2006 I visited the Satvatove communication and transformation seminars. Till that time I considered myself as intelligent, self-confident, male and superior. I was able to express myself very well and convince others about my views. Discussions were battles for me that I wanted to win. Based on what I had heard about the Foundational Course, I did not consider it to be of great importance for me. I looked at the Advanced Course as a challenge.

In both courses I experienced completely new patterns and ways of dealing with myself and other people. Already in the Foundational Seminar I felt shaken, confused, weak and needy. Several times I wanted to run away as I was rediscovering my emotional personality. At the end of the Advanced Seminar I had decided to leave my job as a police officer, as my newly discovered “soft” side didn’t seem to fit that occupation anymore. However, at the start of the course we had agreed not to make major life decisions till at least two weeks after the end of the seminar, so I remained in my job.

After the courses I developed a new kind of self-confidence. I’ve reflected on myself and have learnt to accept other people with different opinions. I’ve learned to care about myself and in doing so I’ve also learned to show my environment that I care. I wouldn’t say my life is easier now. In some ways it has become more difficult since I’ve started to genuinely take responsibility for my life. But I have so much more energy available now and for the first time in my life I really feel alive.

My personal change has definitely affected my work as a police officer. Colleagues and citizens feel understood by me, valued and accepted. They have expressed how they have noticed and appreciate the shift in my character. I now feel much safer in my dealings as a policeman. Conflict situations are much less about me personally. In recent months, due to awareness of myself and attentiveness to be empathic in communication, I have encountered only one situation where a citizen resisted my actions in my law enforcement capacity.

In that special case I acted with fierce determination, while simultaneously considerate towards the offender. He was aggressive, and a threat to other young men present, as well as to myself and other police officers. To protect everyone involved I acted quickly and firmly. I did this with calm, with clear intention not to harm. I forced the offender to the ground, and the situation was efficiently resolved. Afterwards I helped the young man to his feet and with gentleness explained about further procedures. My colleagues were amazed that the encounter ended in an almost friendly mood between everyone. Instead of leaving police work, I am endeavoring to integrate my discovered qualities and personal communication strategies into this vocation, and the results have been deeply rewarding.

I am in Vrndavana. Vrndavana is a town in north India, specially known for an atmosphere conducive for developing prema, the highest love between the individual spirit and the Supreme. I awoke this morning to the pre-dawn chorus of Vrndavana kirtan and bhajan, radiating from hundreds of chakras of transcendental sound vibration throughout the sacred village. Immersion in such sound vibration before sunrise invites the soul towards profound spiritual joys as an auspicious start for the day.

Prema- The Source of all Love

Prema, personal loving relation with the Divine, is all-inclusive, free from limitation. Just as by watering the root we automatically nourish all branches, leaves and twigs, we similarly nurture our relationships with all persons by cultivating love for the source of all creation.

The First Duty of Love is to Listen

My specific purpose here in Vrndavana is to conduct experiential seminars on transformative communication. We might wonder about the connection between communication skills and the sublime love called prema. In this regard I am reminded of the quote from theologian and philosopher Paul Tillich, “The first duty of love is to listen.” Sometimes it’s helpful to distinguish between the feeling of love, and love as a verb. A vital action in loving relations is high-level communication, beginning with deep, attentive listening.

About 500 years ago the Six Goswamis of Vrndavana inspired a renaissance, centered in Vrndavana, of prema-bhakti, personal devotional love as a means for self- and God-realization. The writings of these sages carefully differentiate between spiritual prema and material lust. One of these Goswamis, Srila Rupa Goswami, a leading Vedic scholar of the age, wrote Sri Upadesamrita, The Nectar of Instruction. This short treatise on spiritual life concludes with a depiction of Radha-kunda, a place and consciousness where prema is the sweetest. Indeed, Rupa Goswami describes those who have attained Radha-kunda as “the most fortunate people in the universe.”

Interestingly, the first words of Nectar of Instruction are “vaco vegam”, referring to the urge to speak. Herein Rupa Goswami expresses that the first step on the journey of spiritual realization, and ultimately towards absorption in the most intense and inspirational love, is to be conscious with our speech.

This illuminates the fundamental principle of transformative communication. Skills, or technique, are external, mechanics meant to serve the essence. At its essence, the principles of conscious communication comprise a systematic process of self-realization. This process utilizes mastery of hearing and expression to create sacred space. In that space we get to support each other and ourselves to unlock the mysteries of prema within our hearts, and experience infinite and untainted love.

An Uplifting, Purpose-Filled Spiritual Pursuit

Self-awareness moves us to choose life-enriching principles by which to live, some of which, such as Be-Do-Have, clear intention, and keeping agreements, have been described in previous articles. Spiritual principles for personal growth are universal, and thus, even if we are not able to articulate them, they are familiar, being inherent to our core being. Without actively applying these principles, we run the danger that our existence becomes a sort of animalistic struggle for survival, rather than an uplifting, purpose-filled spiritual pursuit.

What is Our Presentation to the World?

Each of us has a presentation to the world. Sometimes this presentation is authentic, where what is presented outside is consistent with what is happening inside. At other times our presentation is not genuine. We wear masks, facades.

Living From Choice

A spiritual principle of self-development is to live from choice, rather than from fear. Transforming our relationship with fear is an essential process of spiritual growth. Though fear may be present, instead of it being a cue to withdraw it becomes a signal to step forward and courageously take a risk. Sometimes we may put up masks from choice, such as deliberately responding that we are fine, although we don’t feel that way, because we simply don’t want to enter into conversation about our troubles. What we are addressing here is when we wear masks out of fear.

Masks take diverse forms, as varied as our personalities. There is the “happy” mask, where we want to be seen as a happy person, regardless of what may be going on inside. Being “strong” can be a mask, as can being “the class clown”, or “intellectual”. Playing the victim, or the “spiritualist”, or the helpless person, are other forms of facades.

What is Our Authentic Presentation to the World?

Of course, each of the types of masks listed above are not always masks. Each of us has a genuine happy and joyful side, an authentic intellectual way of being, a sense of humor, a strong side, a fragile side. It is when we feel we have to be a certain way, rather than choosing to be that way, that our authenticity is compromised. If I “have to” appear as “spiritual”, at the expense of acknowledging to the world, and perhaps to myself, desires or emotions that seem non-spiritual, then my spirituality is a mask and not a genuine disposition. If I feel I have to show myself as an intellectual, even at times when I would really like to drop that front and be playful, spontaneous, or emotionally expressive, then my intellectuality is a mask.

Are We Exhausted Yet?

Most of us spend much of our energy holding up masks, and pushing down experiences that we resist acknowledging. It is like holding a beach ball underwater, which requires a lot of effort to keep it down. After a while we become exhausted. A characteristic of readiness for spiritual growth is that we are exhausted with holding down our emotional beach ball. That is not how we want to spend our life energy any longer.

Living and Surviving

There is a distinction between living and surviving. Spiritually-based personal growth entails a commitment to living, rather than mere surviving. Surviving is reactive. We are in reaction to the beach ball. Holding our head above the surface, maybe putting on a smile, we show that we are in control. Actually, though, it is a pretense of control. Wherever the submerged ball moves, we move with it, not daring to allow it to be seen. It shifts here or there, and we follow. Who or what is in control? Even if we manage with great effort to keep it under, it is noticed.

Perhaps we conceal our rage, not knowing an acceptable means for its expression. But it comes out in different ways, like our irritability or loss of temper at petty things. It is similar with other components of our emotional beach ball, such as shame. Though we don’t want the world to see our sense of shame, or to recognize it ourselves, it drives our life, pervades our experience and relationships with feeling of inadequacy, of being inherently defective. It prevents us from fully sharing ourselves.

Strategies For Survival

A strategy for survival is to maintain the appearance of control. By doing this, the mask stays up, and the beach ball down. This is related to other strategies of survival, such as avoiding pain, looking good, and being right. “Looking good” means that we are invested in an appearance, rather than in being authentic. For each of us that inauthentic appearance has different forms, as explained in relation to our masks. For some of us looking good might mean showing ourselves as the strong helper. For some, looking good might mean “looking bad”, the rebel, the defiant person who doesn’t accept authority. Of course, blindly accepting authority is no virtue, though neither is indiscriminately resisting it.

“Being right” refers to a strategy where what becomes important is being right with another person, instead of genuinely being with another person. We get to be right, feel superior and self-righteous, at the expense of the closeness, understanding and intimacy we truly desire.

Strategies For Living

A life-enriching strategy conducive for the complete manifestation of our spiritual being is to participate fully in our lives, to give 100%. Not showing up fully for our own lives is at the core of self-sabotaging strategies. In fact, it is the foundation of repeating self-defeating cycles, because by not committing fully we restrict our potential to learn through experience. Acquiring wisdom involves granting ourselves the permission to make mistakes through which we learn.

A term like “experience fully” may evoke images of abandoning one’s intelligence or reason. Actually, to be fully present includes being completely available with all our faculties, including our mind and intelligence. Conscious living entails utilizing our intelligence to enrich and inform our experience. There is a distinction between employing mind and intelligence to enhance our complete contribution and presence, and using our analytical capacity as a barrier to experience. Making distinctions and judgments are a natural function of intelligence. Hiding behind those judgments is a survival strategy, borne of fear, that limits our growth, connection and experience.

Living in the Moment

Related to this, there is also an important distinction between living in the moment, and living for the moment. Living in the moment is being present, with all our qualities and capacities available. In the well known Indian scripture the Bhagavad-gita, Sri Krsna describes a person in this state as being free from lamentation about the past and hankering for the future. He is satisfied in the present. This is not the same as living for the moment, where we may whimsically abandon good sense for immediate gratification. Conscious, present living includes learning from the past, and planning for the future. In doing this, we don’t wallow in lamentation, nor do we brood in anxiety.

Giving ourselves fully to our experience is not the same as wallowing in distressing emotion. When we allow ourselves to fully experience, we feel clean, complete, resolved and ready for the next experience. To wallow in a feeling is a way of holding on to it, rather than letting it go by truly experiencing it completely.

To summarize, some common strategies for survival are being right, looking good, avoiding pain, maintaining the appearance of control, and hiding behind judgments. Life-enhancing strategies include participating fully in our lives, being courageous, suspending judgments, being vulnerable, and living with a sense of urgency.

Being Authentic Is A Key For Vibrant Living

For most of us, consistent authenticity involves conscious, courageous effort. It’s a challenge to recognize our deceptions and pretenses, and differentiate them from actual self-discovery. Each moment our integrity is connected with willingness to be authentic. Authenticity vitalizes our immediate experience, and also enriches the service legacy we create for others.

Willing To Be Uniquely Ourselves

The habit of authenticity makes us a distinction in the world, a human being willing to be uniquely ourselves. This isn’t about reactively differentiating ourselves, which is the flipside of following the crowd, but rather full and genuine expression of our spirit. This requires great intention, as social pressures tend towards conformity and conditioned behavior at the expense of honest realization of self.

Intention itself is a spiritually-based principle of personal growth. A fundamental characteristic of intention is clarity- to be completely clear on who we want to be, what we want to experience, and the actions and results that flow from that. In addition to clarity, fully believing that our intention is possible is also essential. A third element is readiness to accept what we say we want for our lives. We can ask ourselves to what extent are we actually prepared to receive the abundance and success of our intention manifesting. This could lead to productively addressing self-defeating beliefs connected with, for example, a sense of unworthiness. The totality of these elements- clarity, belief and acceptance- constitutes clear intention. Clear intention is firm, yet flexible to the indications and will of the divine. Lacking clear intention we are likely to live a life with a script written by others. Living from clear intention we are truly the authors of our life.

Such a life of distinction represents a standard to which others may aspire. Of course, endeavoring for authenticity for the purpose of being recognized as an inspiration for others could well be another strategy for the ego to seek approval. Still, we can appreciate that an effect of an authentic life is that it is inherently a service to others. In fact, we may be most inspiring to those who struggle with the same challenges we handled in our journey. For example, if our path to genuineness is characterized by transforming the needy, helpless script to an assertion of power, confidence and intelligence, then our willingness to be authentic is especially poignant for people playing out a similar script. Similarly, if our transformation is marked by creative expression where formerly there was dull routine, or vulnerability that was covered by bravado, or adventurous risk-taking in place of playing not to lose, we serve as a model for others immersed in those same life-draining, surviving instead of thriving, conversations.

In the Satvatove environment we speak about assertiveness. Assertiveness is founded in authenticity. We need to know who we are and be connected with our core in order to know who or what it is we are asserting. Otherwise, in the name of assertiveness we may be into yet another game.

In a life of distinction we assert and communicate from our being. Otherwise, we get caught up in doing and having, disconnected from being, searching externally for experiences such as satisfaction, power and beauty, that are inherent to our nature. We are human beings, not human doings. Being a distinction is not only personally fulfilling- it is also, from my perspective, an integral aspect of our responsibility as human beings.