Just as the supreme creates with the word, we too create our lives with our word. Self-reflection is a core principle in personal growth, and it can be especially illuminating to consider our relationship with our word. In the Vedic tradition there is a literature called Upadeshamrita, or The Nectar of Instruction. The book concludes with a depiction of the most elevated spiritual consciousness, and it starts with a description of the importance of effective management of our words, for anyone interested in spiritual progress.
In the transformative communication seminars that I conduct we ask participants to examine the effects of kept and broken agreements. Typically, experiences and feelings connected with violated agreements include hurt, embarrassment, anger, betrayal, confusion, lack of clarity, disappointment and feeling devalued. Agreements honored are usually related with experiences such as trust, gratitude, responsibility, fulfillment, security, clarity, and respect. The purpose of such examination is not to moralize about the importance of keeping our promises. It’s about realizing how our relationship with our word affects our experience of life.
In this regard I suggest that there aren’t big or small agreements. Consider, for example, that I say, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” and I don’t call. We may think, “It’s no big deal.” With respect to our relationship, however, will the consequences noted above be in effect? Probably they will. At some level, your trust for me will likely diminish, and our relationship will be less whole.
Commitment is essential for self-development. Without it, we’re likely not going to significantly expand our possibilities and comfort zone. When we make agreements, we’ll probably find that, despite our best efforts, we sometimes don’t follow through. A strategy for handling broken agreements with integrity is a valuable tool for restoring relationships.
The Five As
An effective approach is the “five As”, which are 1) Acknowledge, 2) Accept responsibility, 3) Account, 4) Apologize, and 5) Amend. “Acknowledge” means to recognize that we have a broken agreement, and to express this to the person whom we transgressed. Accepting responsibility, the second of the As, denotes realization that I responded in a particular way that caused me to not honor my word. The third A is Account. Expression of accountability consists of genuinely explaining what happened. Apology is the fourth A, and it’s noteworthy that it’s fourth, not first. Oftentimes we act like apology is the first and only step in effectively handling a broken agreement. “I’m sorry” can be more about my need to restore my image, than about sincerely reinstating the soundness of the relationship. Amend is the fifth A, and consists of actively redressing the situation.
A Culture Of Trust
‘Tis a season for making resolutions, when we consider things we can do to better our lives. This is a powerful opportunity to enhance the culture of trust in our relationships, and within ourselves. My proposal is that we invoke special awareness of the effects in our life and relationships when we make an agreement and keep it.
In this episode of the 7 principles for fulfilling relationships video series, the essential principle of integrity is described. This deals with taking a look at what we create in our lives with our word.
In this Washington D.C. interview, Dr. David Wolf Ph.D discusses the topic of “Desk Rage”, and gives various straightforward, easy to apply strategies and tools to effectively handle desk rage in the workplace.
Author Advises How to Deal With “Desk Rage”
By Sheryl Silver
“If you’re on the receiving end of someone’s desk rage, understanding is a powerful tool to employ,” said Wolf. “If we can show that we understand what the person raging is saying, we can often diffuse the situation and help them deal with their grievance(s) in a calmer, more effective way.”
David B. Wolf, PhD, author
Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living
You’ve probably heard of road rage — but what about “desk rage”? It’s a term used to describe the hostility and on-the-job outbursts people experience when they can no longer control their anger or cope with frustrations at work.
Desk rage isn’t a new phenomenon but according to David B. Wolf, PhD, author of Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living, it appears to be on the rise.
“I don’t have statistics to document the increase in desk rage,” said Wolf, “but anecdotally, I am hearing about it more lately from managers with whom I do coaching.”
The stresses of the current economy may be a contributing factor. Besides rising fuel prices and lower home values, Wolf pointed out that after companies cut their employee ranks, as many have done recently, the remaining employees tend to inherit the tasks their terminated co-workers handled.
“Typically, these employees are asked to handle the increased workload with no increase in salary and no real expectation of job security,” said Wolf. “The situation is a recipe for frustration and a rise in desk rage.”
While Wolf says most people don’t handle desk rage well, he believes they can learn to cope more successfully with it by employing certain communication techniques.
For starters, Wolf said it’s important to remain emotionally neutral when an episode of desk rage occurs. “Sometimes the anger being expressed is about a third party — a boss, another co-worker. But even if the rage is directed at you, don’t react defensively,” said Wolf. “Take a deep breath, keep your voice low, and remember the person’s rage isn’t really about you.”
The key, according to Wolf, is not letting fear or your own anger take hold in such a situation. “If you’re on the receiving end of someone’s desk rage, understanding is a powerful tool to employ,” said Wolf. “If we can show that we understand what the person raging is saying, we can often diffuse the situation and help them deal with their grievance(s) in a calmer, more effective way.”
“Understanding, by the way, does not necessarily mean agreeing with the person,” added Wolf. “Sometimes we might think the person is justified in their anger but sometimes we don’t. How we respond to the person expressing the anger, however, is key to de-escalating the rage factor.”
“Mirroring” what the person is saying is one way to convey your understanding. This approach involves restating, as best you can, what you just heard the person say to you. For example, if the raging co-worker said, “You screwed up my presentation by not having the report I asked for. We’re going to lose this client thanks to you!” you could respond, “I know you’re furious. You’re upset I didn’t have the report you requested and think this could jeopardize our client contract.”
“This approach allows the outraged co-worker an opportunity to confirm that what you heard and understood was correct — or to say, No, that’s not what I said,” noted Wolf. “When this technique is utilized in labor/management negotiations, it’s helped to speed the result because it helps prevent misunderstanding while creating an atmosphere of understanding.”
What if you’re not on the receiving end of desk rage but feel as if you’re the person about to explode at work? Wolf recommends taking a deep breath and stating the facts of the situation upsetting you — minus any anger. For example, you might say, “The last time we met, you agreed to be at work on time daily and to call me if you were going to be late. Three days in the past week, you arrived more than a half hour late — and one of those delays was during a staff meeting when I really needed your assistance.”
Next, Wolf suggests using “I” statements to express how you feel. Regarding the previous situation, you might say, “I was frustrated by this and feel disrespected.” He suggests avoiding “you” statements such as “You made me angry.”
Finally, tell the person you’re annoyed with what you need or want, again using “I” statements. With the incident above, you could state, “I want an assistant who is respectful and responsible. I need you to honor your agreements.”
What’s the point of this approach? “We’re not denying our anger but by communicating in a less emotional and judgmental way, we’re maximizing the potential to have our concerns heard and acted upon positively,” said Wolf.
By Dawn Anfuso, Workwise
Article Launched: 08/06/2008 09:05:45 PM PDT
Years ago, while working at a fast-food restaurant, I witnessed a manager chase an employee around, yelling obscenities at him. Even at my young age and inexperience, I knew that wasn’t proper workplace behavior.
As the economy declines, and companies cut their work forces, this type of rage tends to manifest frequently among the workers “left behind.” They’re expected to do more for the same salary - with less job security, little hope for a raise and skyrocketing gas prices cutting into their earnings. It’s a recipe for frustration.
A 2008 study published in Human Resources Executive Online found that frustrated employees may represent 20 percent or more of the total work force.
When tension spreads in the workplace, so does the potential for hostility and desk rage. In fact, the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health reports nearly half of American workers have faced yelling and verbal abuse on the job, and one in four workers have been driven to tears.
Communications expert David Wolf says few people know how to cope effectively with desk rage because they’ve never been taught simple techniques to deflect it.
Wolf, a life skills coach, a social worker and the author of “Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living,” offers techniques to defuse workplace frustration:
When someone rages at you:
Stay emotionally neutral. Take a breath, keep your voice low and slow, and don’t take
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it personally. Don’t let fear or your own anger take hold.
Restate in your own words what you just heard. Don’t add judgments or interpretations.
Be a mirror. Each time he or she comes back at you, accurately reflect back what he or she just said. They’ll quickly see that you’re listening to them. Watch how this simple technique converts hostility into reasonable dialogue.
and understanding When you’re feeling rage:
Simply state the facts of what happened. Don’t interpret or analyze them. For example, say, “You agreed to be at work on time, and to call me if you were going to be late. Three days in the past week you arrived more than a half hour late - and one of those days we had a staff meeting at which I really needed your assistance.”
Use “I” statements to express how you feel. For example, “I am frustrated by this and feel disrespected.” Avoid “you” statements, such as “You made me angry.”
Finally, tell the person what you need or want, using “I” statements. You might say, “I want an assistant who is respectful and responsible. I need you to honor your agreements.”
Dawn Anfuso is a South Bay-based business writer and former managing editor of Workforce magazine. If you have workplace or job-search questions, email Dawn at dawnanfuso@ yahoo.com. Writers will remain anonymous.
http://www.dailybreeze.com/ci_10121247?IADID=Search-www.dailybreeze.com-www.dailybreeze.com
focus of the Satvatove programs are transformative communication skills that are valuable for anyone interested in excellence in interpersonal relations.
Utilization of such principles and techniques creates a sacred space in relationships. This provides an environment for clearing interpersonal barriers, and for powerful internal exploration and purification. In such a consciousness we are facilitated to courageously express all qualities of our being.
You-Me
Immediacy is an important interpersonal tool that provides valuable feedback and requires assertiveness. With immediacy, we engage in direct talk about our relationship with the person with whom we are speaking. Often in relationships we talk about things happening outside the relationship, and certainly there is a place for that. Willingness and skill to engage in “you-me” talk, direct talk about the relationship itself, is especially enriching and conducive for high- level interpersonal relating.
An immediacy statement could take the form of expressing about your experience and perception of the general state of the relationship. “We seem to really aggravate each other a lot. Maybe it will be helpful to talk about this.” “I am feeling uncomfortable that you seem to need my permission so much. I have allowed myself to assume the role of granting permission. I’m worried about this dynamic between us.” Psychologist Carl Rogers speaks about utilizing direct talk to effectively challenge a client. “…I recall a client with whom I began to realize I felt bored every time he came in…Because it was a persistent feeling I realized I would have to share it with him…So with a good deal of difficulty and some embarrassment, I said to him, ‘I don’t understand it myself, but when you start talking on and on about your problems in what seems to me a flat tone of voice, I find myself getting very bored.’
This was quite a jolt to him and he looked very unhappy. Then he began to talk about the way he talked and gradually he came to understand one of the reasons for the way he presented himself verbally. He said ‘You know, I think the reason I talk in such an uninteresting way is because I don’t think I have ever expected anyone to really hear me.’ We got along much better after that because I could remind him that I heard the same flatness in his voice I used to hear.”
The tool of immediacy can also be used to address what is happening on the spot. “You seem hesitant to talk with me.” “I’ve noticed that we seem to be dancing around the issues in this conversation.” “Just now, as I started to speak about my promotion, you folded your arms and looked down at the ground.
I’m wondering what message you are sending to me with that.”
Immediacy Statements Demand The Courage to be Genuine and Vulnerable
Immediacy statements demand the courage to be genuine and vulnerable. Also, they require competence in other communication tools, such as empathy, attending behavior, and “I” statements. In presenting expressions of immediacy we want to be tentative in our language, because our comments may touch on sensitive areas, and while the effect can be confrontative, we don’t want to be intimidating. Tentativeness can include phrasing such as “perhaps…”, “It seems to me…” and “It is my impression that…” Because of the challenging nature of immediacy, it is important that we ensure that we have built a level of trust, perhaps using tools such as reflective listening and open-ended questions, that can contain the use of immediacy. Otherwise, our attempt at this skill may be a roadblock. Effective use of immediacy entails awareness of what is happening in the relationship accompanied by sufficient psychological distance to empathically and assertively respond to uneasy patterns or moments.
When we share an immediacy statement, such as “I feel very respected by the way you’ve listened to me just now,” or “I’m feeling uneasy and tense with you, like maybe I said something that offended you,” we convey valuable feedback while exploring our relationship with another person. Immediacy not only shines light on our relationship, it also provides a perspective for the person to see patterns in other relationships. If I experience someone as manipulative, or mechanical, or amazingly inspirational, I may not be the only one in the person’s life who perceives him that way.
Immediacy is beneficial for diffusing tension or mistrust in relationships. “I feel my body getting tense in this talk with you, and you seem annoyed by anything I say. Yet, we’re both smiling as if everything’s okay.” “I sense that it’s still hard for you to trust me since I didn’t show up for that appointment we had two months ago.” Other uses for this relationship skill include directly handling attraction or repulsion between people, and addressing barriers to clear relationships. “There seems to be some indication that the fact that I earn more money even though you’ve been at the company longer, is causing us both to be uncomfortable with and avoid each other.”
Without the capacity for “you-me” talk, relationships become blocked, with the participants fearful to speak about, or even acknowledge, what is stifling expression. That which is bottled up may surface in forms such as hostilities and withdrawing. Here is an exercise to integrate immediacy and empathy.
Empathy and Immediacy Exercise:
Consider your relationships with three people in your life. Write down an immediacy concern that you believe this person might have with you. That is, if she or he were to share “you-me” talk with you, what do you think he or she might say? To do this requires that you enter the person’s world and empathically connect with what is happening for him, in relation to you. After you’ve done this, if you’re feeling adventurous, share with the person what you’ve written, and invite him to respond. Also, in reciprocation, you can encourage him to share what he thinks might be your immediacy concern with him.
Sharing of immediacy can be deeply rewarding, though also it can be delicate.
Therefore, I suggest that after each expression in this exercise, the listening partner mirrors back what the other shared, to ensure understanding and minimize the possibility of reactivity.
The Satvatove programs feature an approach to self-empowerment based on transformative communication. This model is founded on the understanding that our identity is fundamentally non-material. This identity beyond the physical body is indicated in spiritual literatures such as the widely known yoga scripture Bhagavad-gita, which states “As the embodied soul continuously passes, in this body, from boyhood to youth to old age, the soul similarly passes into another body at death.” To be satisfying and complete, our self-help endeavors need to recognize this non-physical self. It is common to lose this awareness. Soren Kierkegaard once stated, “The greatest danger, that of losing one’s own self, may pass off quietly as if it were nothing; every other loss, that of an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, is sure to be noticed.”
Through the Satvatove system of transformative communication we create a sacred space, in ourselves and in relation with others, that links us with our spiritual nature. Consciousness is transformed as trust is developed, perspectives shift and possibilities expand.
Language reflects consciousness. Through transformative communication we become self-aware through language. This awareness is the basis for powerful personal change, which is then reflected in our thoughts, speech and activities. For example, I may notice that in my thoughts and words I frequently use “I can’t…” in circumstances where, in actuality, I could if I chose to. Realizing this I shift to “I am not willing to…” or “I am inspired to…” This is accompanied by a transformation from feeling powerless and down to experiencing vitality and confidence, and is evinced in potent action that generates fulfilling results in my life. Similarly, awareness of my tendency to prematurely give solutions, or probe with closed-ended questions, leads to discovery of an unhealthy need to control. With such self-realization I shift my consciousness to emphasize an attitude of wonder and discovery for life and each person I contact.
To effectively apply transformative communication it is important to distinguish between skills and substance. For example, there are skills for non-verbal attending behavior, such as:
Sitting squarely
Open-body position
Leaning forward slightly
Eye-contact
These are mechanics intended to convey respect and sincere interest in another person. The mechanics themselves do not necessarily mean that we are attentive and caring listeners, and sometimes effective listening is best displayed without the elements of SOLE. Reflective listening is a technique to express empathy, though an accurate reflection on its own does not intrinsically communicate the quality of empathy. Empathy is the substance. Reflective listening is a vehicle to transmit that substance. We speak of potential roadblocks to effective communication, such as advising, warning and reassuring. While these types of responses to a person with an emotionally-charged situation can often be barriers to communication, they can also convey compassion, understanding and empathy when appropriately utilized. In self-expression, assertiveness is the essential quality, and strategies such as “I” statements and WIN (What happened; Inside feelings and thoughts; Needs and wants) facilitate the expression of that essence.
In the trusting space created with transformative communication, we can clear our hearts and activities of unwanted things, such as self-deception, limiting beliefs, and interpersonal games that sabotage relationships. Such clearing opens the door to fully express our being and actualize a life of fulfilling purpose.
Christian philosopher Paul Tillich once remarked “The first duty of love is to listen.” A powerful tool for listening and transformative communication is silence. Properly used, silence conveys a grasp of another person’s emotions. While we do not want to use silence to avoid intimate and meaningful conversation, neither is it helpful to avoid silence due to feelings of discomfort. Often we fill silence with empty talk, fearing the vulnerability of silent connection. An attentive, caring silence is sometimes a more powerful way to heal and connect than the most carefully chosen and well-intentioned words. Actual silence means that the mind is also still. Silence doesn’t mean “empty”. It is a gateway to and manifestation of spiritual presence. Bhaktivedanta Swami wrote “Silence means that one is always thinking of self-realization.” It is said that God has given us two ears and one mouth, because we are meant to listen at least twice as much as to speak. Bhagavad-gita explains that true silence is a reflection of the divine within us. In empathic silence we are listening to what the other person is saying, not to what we are saying about what the other person is saying. That is, we are attuned to the person’s words and the emotion and intention behind the words, not to our judgments, planned responses, or comments towards the expression of the other. We are deeply listening, receiving another person with full presence, intense interest and open-heart. Such listening expands the spirits of speaker and listener.
Michael Ende created the character of Momo, a young girl whose silent presence connected people with their inner truth and transformed their consciousness. Daily Momo received a stream of visitors, eager for her association. Ende writes “Was Momo so incredibly bright that she always gave good advice, or found the right words to console people in need of consolation,…? No, she was no more capable of that than anyone else of her age. … what Momo was better at than anyone else was listening. She listened in a way that made slow-witted people have flashes of inspiration. It wasn’t that she actually said anything or asked questions that put such ideas into their heads. She simply sat there and listened with the utmost attention…fixing them with her big, dark eyes, and they suddenly became aware of ideas whose existence they had never suspected. Momo could listen in such a way that worried and indecisive people knew their own minds from one moment to the next, or shy people felt suddenly confident and at ease, or downhearted people felt happy and hopeful. And if someone felt that his life had been an utter failure, and that he himself was only one among millions of wholly unimportant people who could be replaced as easily as broken windowpanes, he would go and pour out his heart to Momo. And, even as he spoke, he would come to realize…he was absolutely wrong: that there was only one person like himself in the whole world, and that, consequently, he mattered to the world in his own particular way. Such was Momo’s talent for listening………Those who still think that listening isn’t an art should see if they can do it half as well.”
Consciousness is reflected in language, and language is not only verbal. There is kinesic and paralinguistic language. We see in the example of Momo the power of deep listening to convey empathy, hope and caring.
Below are exercises to help you cultivate and integrate tools for transformative communication.
For a few days observe how frequently you use empathic understanding in your communication style. After a few days, without being inauthentic or preoccupied with the effort, increase your use of reflective listening. Notice the impact of your use of empathy on others and on the process of communication.
Identify an interpersonal scenario in your life. Imagine you are making a statement about something that is troubling you, and then, taking the role of the person you are speaking with, write three responses, using different roadblocks. Use the roadblocks to which you are most susceptible. Consider the effect of the responses, and identify how each roadblock makes you feel. Then, formulate an empathic response for the scenario.
Example: A course participant approaching her teacher about the behavior of a third.
“I really think you need to speak with him one-on-one. I think he’s doing things that are not conducive for a healthy lifestyle.”
Roadblock response 1: “I think that you should be careful about telling me what to do, or else you may be the one I will want to talk to.” (threatening, warning)
Roadblock response 3: “You just go and tell him what you think and how he has to change!” (ordering)
Empathic response: “It is distressing for you to see that he is doing things that may be harmful for him. I can see that you”re concerned about him, and you”d like me to speak with him.”
