In The Beginning Was The Word

Just as the supreme creates with the word, we too create our lives with our word. Self-reflection is a core principle in personal growth, and it can be especially illuminating to consider our relationship with our word. In the Vedic tradition there is a literature called Upadeshamrita, or The Nectar of Instruction. The book concludes with a depiction of the most elevated spiritual consciousness, and it starts with a description of the importance of effective management of our words, for anyone interested in spiritual progress.

In the transformative communication seminars that I conduct we ask participants to examine the effects of kept and broken agreements. Typically, experiences and feelings connected with violated agreements include hurt, embarrassment, anger, betrayal, confusion, lack of clarity, disappointment and feeling devalued. Agreements honored are usually related with experiences such as trust, gratitude, responsibility, fulfillment, security, clarity, and respect. The purpose of such examination is not to moralize about the importance of keeping our promises. It’s about realizing how our relationship with our word affects our experience of life.

In this regard I suggest that there aren’t big or small agreements. Consider, for example, that I say, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” and I don’t call. We may think, “It’s no big deal.” With respect to our relationship, however, will the consequences noted above be in effect? Probably they will. At some level, your trust for me will likely diminish, and our relationship will be less whole.

Commitment is essential for self-development. Without it, we’re likely not going to significantly expand our possibilities and comfort zone. When we make agreements, we’ll probably find that, despite our best efforts, we sometimes don’t follow through. A strategy for handling broken agreements with integrity is a valuable tool for restoring relationships.

The Five As

An effective approach is the “five As”, which are 1) Acknowledge, 2) Accept responsibility, 3) Account, 4) Apologize, and 5) Amend. “Acknowledge” means to recognize that we have a broken agreement, and to express this to the person whom we transgressed. Accepting responsibility, the second of the As, denotes realization that I responded in a particular way that caused me to not honor my word. The third A is Account. Expression of accountability consists of genuinely explaining what happened. Apology is the fourth A, and it’s noteworthy that it’s fourth, not first. Oftentimes we act like apology is the first and only step in effectively handling a broken agreement. “I’m sorry” can be more about my need to restore my image, than about sincerely reinstating the soundness of the relationship. Amend is the fifth A, and consists of actively redressing the situation.

A Culture Of Trust

‘Tis a season for making resolutions, when we consider things we can do to better our lives. This is a powerful opportunity to enhance the culture of trust in our relationships, and within ourselves. My proposal is that we invoke special awareness of the effects in our life and relationships when we make an agreement and keep it.

Dear Friends,

Warm greetings in this holiday season.

We’re happy to offer you opportunities to give some special gifts to people dear to you, in the form of Satvatove books, CDs and personal coaching.

Give the gift of Satvatove personal coaching, for yourself and others in your life. Consider the impact for the next year, and for a lifetime, of the expert and caring support that you get with Satvatove coaching. Can you think of some habits you’d like to integrate to powerfully move forward in your life? What about habits to give up, to be more effective and potent in achieving your goals? What would it mean to you to get real clear on your goals and aspirations, in your career, primary relationship, health and spiritual practice? Raise your awareness and live your vision with a Satvatove coach on your team.

All Coaching Packages at 50% discount for the month of December, 2008.

For more information or to register for a coaching package, write to us at Coaching@Satvatove.org or call us at 386 418 8840.

Plus- During this holiday period, with each coaching package you receive a copy of Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living- How Transformative Communication Can Change Your Life, and the CD,

7 Principles For Fulfilling Relationships!!!

Satyen Raja, President of WarriorSage and author of Living Ecstasy, commented on Relationships That Work:

“…a book that gives us the practical tools, ideas and real shifts in our habits that will propel ALL our relationships into a rich and rewarding way of life. What’s really wonderful is the Heart and Depth that comes through from David, which gets transferred into the reader and that certainly pays off in Big wins for your Family, Career and Spiritual Life. Read and Devour it and watch your Life Bloom with more ease and clarity.”

Peter Burwash, Founder of Peter Burwash International and author of several books including The Key to Great Leadership and Total Health, wrote:

“If we do not understand whom we really are, then our life becomes a major struggle. David Wolf has been able to explain not only who we are but he has also given us paths to elevate our consciousness and help us on our way to a more productive, happy existence.”

Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living

1 copy- $14.95

3 copies- $38

5 copies- $55

10 copies- $100

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With each book purchase, you receive a copy of 7 Principles for Fulfilling Relationships, for no extra cost.

“This book will touch the heart of every reader as it provides a roadmap for making positive changes in our dealings with other people, as well as within ourselves. David Wolf’s unique ability to blend spiritual knowledge with practical advice makes Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living a must read for anyone seeking self-understanding and better communication with those they care most about. Reading this book forced me to pause and reflect about the nature of my own life; A worthy experience for anyone in today’s fast-paced modern world where doing and having often become facile substitutes for being.”

E. Burke Rochford Jr., Professor of Sociology and Religion, Middlebury College

“Sometimes you find a book, and sometimes a book finds you. There is no doubt that the profound wisdom and lessons in this book will find their way into the souls of millions of people around the world. No ifs, ands or buts - Dr. Wolf gives you the blueprint on how to be an influence-maker in your life and the lives of others.”

Burke Hedges, author of 7 books with over 4 million books in print, including the bestseller “Who Stole the American Dream?”

“This is an extraordinarily compelling and practical book on becoming a master of communication. Read it, apply the strategies and principles, and enhance your life and influence beyond what you thought possible!”

T. Harv Eker, author of the #1 NY Times Bestselling book Secrets of the Millionaire Mind

Order your copy of Relationships That Work at:

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We wish you joy and fulfillment this holiday season!

Sincerely,

The Satvatove Team

Author Advises How to Deal With “Desk Rage”
By Sheryl Silver

“If you’re on the receiving end of someone’s desk rage, understanding is a powerful tool to employ,” said Wolf. “If we can show that we understand what the person raging is saying, we can often diffuse the situation and help them deal with their grievance(s) in a calmer, more effective way.”

David B. Wolf, PhD, author
Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living
You’ve probably heard of road rage — but what about “desk rage”? It’s a term used to describe the hostility and on-the-job outbursts people experience when they can no longer control their anger or cope with frustrations at work.

Desk rage isn’t a new phenomenon but according to David B. Wolf, PhD, author of Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living, it appears to be on the rise.

“I don’t have statistics to document the increase in desk rage,” said Wolf, “but anecdotally, I am hearing about it more lately from managers with whom I do coaching.”

The stresses of the current economy may be a contributing factor. Besides rising fuel prices and lower home values, Wolf pointed out that after companies cut their employee ranks, as many have done recently, the remaining employees tend to inherit the tasks their terminated co-workers handled.

“Typically, these employees are asked to handle the increased workload with no increase in salary and no real expectation of job security,” said Wolf. “The situation is a recipe for frustration and a rise in desk rage.”

While Wolf says most people don’t handle desk rage well, he believes they can learn to cope more successfully with it by employing certain communication techniques.

For starters, Wolf said it’s important to remain emotionally neutral when an episode of desk rage occurs. “Sometimes the anger being expressed is about a third party — a boss, another co-worker. But even if the rage is directed at you, don’t react defensively,” said Wolf. “Take a deep breath, keep your voice low, and remember the person’s rage isn’t really about you.”

The key, according to Wolf, is not letting fear or your own anger take hold in such a situation. “If you’re on the receiving end of someone’s desk rage, understanding is a powerful tool to employ,” said Wolf. “If we can show that we understand what the person raging is saying, we can often diffuse the situation and help them deal with their grievance(s) in a calmer, more effective way.”

“Understanding, by the way, does not necessarily mean agreeing with the person,” added Wolf. “Sometimes we might think the person is justified in their anger but sometimes we don’t. How we respond to the person expressing the anger, however, is key to de-escalating the rage factor.”

“Mirroring” what the person is saying is one way to convey your understanding. This approach involves restating, as best you can, what you just heard the person say to you. For example, if the raging co-worker said, “You screwed up my presentation by not having the report I asked for. We’re going to lose this client thanks to you!” you could respond, “I know you’re furious. You’re upset I didn’t have the report you requested and think this could jeopardize our client contract.”

“This approach allows the outraged co-worker an opportunity to confirm that what you heard and understood was correct — or to say, No, that’s not what I said,” noted Wolf. “When this technique is utilized in labor/management negotiations, it’s helped to speed the result because it helps prevent misunderstanding while creating an atmosphere of understanding.”

What if you’re not on the receiving end of desk rage but feel as if you’re the person about to explode at work? Wolf recommends taking a deep breath and stating the facts of the situation upsetting you — minus any anger. For example, you might say, “The last time we met, you agreed to be at work on time daily and to call me if you were going to be late. Three days in the past week, you arrived more than a half hour late — and one of those delays was during a staff meeting when I really needed your assistance.”

Next, Wolf suggests using “I” statements to express how you feel. Regarding the previous situation, you might say, “I was frustrated by this and feel disrespected.” He suggests avoiding “you” statements such as “You made me angry.”

Finally, tell the person you’re annoyed with what you need or want, again using “I” statements. With the incident above, you could state, “I want an assistant who is respectful and responsible. I need you to honor your agreements.”

What’s the point of this approach? “We’re not denying our anger but by communicating in a less emotional and judgmental way, we’re maximizing the potential to have our concerns heard and acted upon positively,” said Wolf.

By Dawn Anfuso, Workwise
Article Launched: 08/06/2008 09:05:45 PM PDT

Years ago, while working at a fast-food restaurant, I witnessed a manager chase an employee around, yelling obscenities at him. Even at my young age and inexperience, I knew that wasn’t proper workplace behavior.

As the economy declines, and companies cut their work forces, this type of rage tends to manifest frequently among the workers “left behind.” They’re expected to do more for the same salary - with less job security, little hope for a raise and skyrocketing gas prices cutting into their earnings. It’s a recipe for frustration.

A 2008 study published in Human Resources Executive Online found that frustrated employees may represent 20 percent or more of the total work force.

When tension spreads in the workplace, so does the potential for hostility and desk rage. In fact, the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health reports nearly half of American workers have faced yelling and verbal abuse on the job, and one in four workers have been driven to tears.

Communications expert David Wolf says few people know how to cope effectively with desk rage because they’ve never been taught simple techniques to deflect it.

Wolf, a life skills coach, a social worker and the author of “Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living,” offers techniques to defuse workplace frustration:

When someone rages at you:

Stay emotionally neutral. Take a breath, keep your voice low and slow, and don’t take
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it personally. Don’t let fear or your own anger take hold.

Restate in your own words what you just heard. Don’t add judgments or interpretations.

Be a mirror. Each time he or she comes back at you, accurately reflect back what he or she just said. They’ll quickly see that you’re listening to them. Watch how this simple technique converts hostility into reasonable dialogue.

and understanding When you’re feeling rage:

Simply state the facts of what happened. Don’t interpret or analyze them. For example, say, “You agreed to be at work on time, and to call me if you were going to be late. Three days in the past week you arrived more than a half hour late - and one of those days we had a staff meeting at which I really needed your assistance.”

Use “I” statements to express how you feel. For example, “I am frustrated by this and feel disrespected.” Avoid “you” statements, such as “You made me angry.”

Finally, tell the person what you need or want, using “I” statements. You might say, “I want an assistant who is respectful and responsible. I need you to honor your agreements.”

Dawn Anfuso is a South Bay-based business writer and former managing editor of Workforce magazine. If you have workplace or job-search questions, email Dawn at dawnanfuso@ yahoo.com. Writers will remain anonymous.
http://www.dailybreeze.com/ci_10121247?IADID=Search-www.dailybreeze.com-www.dailybreeze.com

Below is an excerpt from a letter I wrote to a coaching client.

“With respect to ‘excellence’, I don’t regard this as something that is essentially expressed with some external result, though it could manifest that way. Excellence is a way of being. My perspective is that our responsibility is to live in correct principles, such as striving for excellence, empathy, assertiveness, be-do-have, clear intention, accountability and consciousness in the result. Living in those principles is itself success. We are not the Supreme Controller, and thus external results, in a sense, are not ultimately under our control. Living in alignment with principles of personal growth, we want to also cultivate healthy non-attachment from results. Such non-attachment is different from apathy. In non-attachment we give full effort, with deep caring.”

Written by David Wolf

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The Satvatove approach to growth and transformation is founded in spiritual principles of personal development. Our spirit self has intrinsic ways of being. When we have clear intention, when we put consciousness in our result, then we are exhibiting these intrinsic traits of our spirit self.

We assert that to achieve a result is fully a function of intention, and zero percent dependent on action. Certainly, there may be an action toward the manifestation of our desired objective, though accomplishing the goal is not dependent on any particular action. If our intention is clear, the result will manifest in our lives, even when we meet with initial, temporary, failure. The power of intention will always actualize itself. No material impediment can prevent this actualization. Intention is founded in spirit, and spirit is superior to matter. With clear intention, we find a way to concretize the result. Implicit in the principle of clear intention is the idea that, “I might not know how it’s going to happen, but I’m certain it’s going to happen.”

Obstacles Consciousness

When we say to ourselves, “If I can overcome my obstacles, then I’ll achieve my goal,” we are living in ‘obstacle consciousness.’ These perceived obstacles might be our health, the need to acquire money, or an increase in self-confidence.

Consciousness In The Result

When our consciousness is situated in the power of our intention, then our consciousness will be in our result. We call this paradigm, ‘consciousness in the result.’ In this way of being, the result is already achieved. There are no obstacles to overcome. There may be considerations to handle as we manifest the result, but those considerations are not obstacles. These considerations are not obstacles, because even if we are temporarily blocked, we will always find a way to accomplish our goal. The accomplishment of our goal is not dependent on obstacles.

To illustrate this principle, I sometimes cite the example of A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami, founder of a world-wide Vedic based spiritual movement. In 1965 he came to the United States from Vrndavana, India, practically penniless and in possession of some ancient Sanskrit literature that he had translated. His biography describes an event that occured shortly after his arrival in New York. He was seated on a bench when a resident asked him about his life. A. C. Bhaktivedanta Swami responded by describing-in the present tense-an international organization with more than a hundred centers, millions of published copies of dozens of books, and tens of thousands of active members and supporters. Though none of this was manifest, and he may have looked to be somewhat down and out, he spoke of his vision in the present tense:

“There are one hundred eight centers, farm communities, the expansive publication and distribution of books, and diverse projects.”

His consciousness was in the result, not in obstacles.

Obstacle consciousness would have said:

“If I’m healthy enough, then maybe I’ll do this project. If I can get enough money, then maybe I’ll open some centers. If people come forward to assist me, then I can start this project.”

As events unfolded, A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami did encounter intense challenges on many dimensions. Still, due to the power of his intention, the vision described on the park bench materialized. Because of his clarity of purpose, nothing material could thwart the result.

The Supreme Power

Reflecting on these precepts we naturally reflect on the relationship between clear intention and the supreme power. Does clear intention imply that we, as spiritual entitiies with potency greater than any material obstacle, are omnipotent, with ultimate control?

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe effectively addresses the issue of the relationship between human beings, our power of intention, and God. Goethe writes, “…the moment one commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never have otherwise occured. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.

Similarly, the Bhagavad-gita describes five factors in the accomplishment of all action. They are: the place of action, the performer, the senses, the endeavor, and-ulimately-providence.

Living With Integrity

As the performer, our responsibility is to be in spiritual consciousness. This includes states of being such as clear intention, and absorbing our consciousness in the result. Though this consciousness doesn’t guarantee achievment of our goal, it does insure that we are living with integrity as spiritual entities, and that we are situated to maximize the possibility that providence will act through us to manifest our goal.

If we think about how we might apply the principle of clear intention to our lives, we might feel intimidated. We might even feel that bringing this idea into our daily life is just something we cannot do. Actually, we can release our fear and apprehension if we realize a simple truth. This principle already operates-every day-in our lives.

What is My Intention?

If we want to know what our intention is regarding our economic situation, we simply need to look at our bank account. To understand our intention concerning our body weight, simply step on the scale. Similarly, we can apply this check to our relationships, our career, our spirituality, or any other area of our life. The universe reflects our intention.

At first, this realization might be discouraging. We can transform this despondency, however, into enthusiasm by realizing the miracle of consciously using our power of intention. Much of what we’ve created in our lives-to this point-might have been the result of unconscious intentions materializing in our lives. When we become aware of these unconscious choice’s we have made in our past, these formerly unconscious intentions now enter the realm of choice. By consciously choosing our intentions, we empower ourselves to create the lives we desire.

Whatever our most cherished vision may be, let us begin it now, with clear intention, and consciousness in the goal.

Language Reflects Consciousness

Who’d like to share their experience?” A common refrain in the Satvatove programs, this question often results in responses such as “I was too distracted,” “My partner is so nice,” or “I’m a terrible listener”. I regard such expressions as judgments, rather than sharing of experience. Also in personal feedback exercises we sometimes use the prompt “I experience you as..”, culminating in expressions of evaluation or judgment, rather than actual experience.

Statements such as “I felt so angry when I wasn’t understood”, “I experienced my heart open when my partner shared a story similar to mine”, and “I felt great relief to talk about my hurt”, usually indicate sharing of experience. I use the term “usually” because, from my perspective, there is no particular phrasing that guarantees that one is connected with experience. Still, language reflects consciousness, and some wording consistently indicates analysis as opposed to experience.

Life-Enriching Versus Alienating

Sharing from experience tends to be life-enriching, whereas relating from judgment is oftentimes alienating. “What’s alienating about a statement like ‘You are so kind to offer me a ride home,’“ you might ask. A complimentary judgment is just as much a judgment as one of condemnation, such as “You’re irresponsible and lazy” These judgmental remarks reveal little about what is happening inside the speaker, and they reflect the attitude of the speaker as one qualified to sit in judgment. On the other hand, consider expressions such as “I’m grateful that you offered me a ride home, because I was worried that I’d be late to cook for my children, and now I’m peaceful about that,” and “You said you would wash the dishes last night, and you didn’t. I’m disappointed and angry that you didn’t do what you said you would” These statements, founded in experience rather than evaluation, convey valuable feedback about effects of specific behaviors.

To Judge is a Function of Intelligence

“Okay then, I’ll not judge anymore” Such a conclusion, in my judgment, would be a mistake. To judge is a function of intelligence. The first thing we read when we visit the Satvatove website (www.Satvatove.org) is “The highest truth is reality distinguished from illusion for the welfare of all” To make distinctions is integral to a life of refinement and progress.

Suspending Judgments is a Stategy for Living

In the Satvatove experience we distinguish between strategies for living and strategies for surviving (see article “Strategies for Living” by David Wolf). To share from experience is a strategy for living, as is suspending judgments. Note that the living strategy is not worded as “Be neutral, without judgment”
Genuineness dictates that we recognize our judgments. Dedication to growing and thriving relationships necessitates willingness to suspend judgments. This means that we choose not to allow our judgments to interfere with a fresh, present experience of a person or situation. Approaching each moment and relation in this way opens possibilities for discovery and vitality.
An alive and present experience may confirm or disconfirm my judgments. Suppose I have a judgment that a person is deceptive and not very intelligent. To deny that I am thinking this would be dishonest. In interacting with this person, I want to notice my judgments, and suspend them, allowing myself a fresh experience of this person. That experience may confirm my judgments, or it may reveal them to be false and shallow. Whatever new opinion may form, I have an opportunity to experience the next moment while suspending the judgment.
We talk about self-defeating games, one of which is to hide behind judgments. Intelligence, analysis and judgment are meant to inform and enrich our experience, or we can use them as fear-based barriers to authentic relation. To fully experience life does not imply abandonment of the wisdom of discretion. It does mean to be present with all our faculties, without limiting experience with preconceived labels or categorizations. In the words of philosopher and educator Martin Buber, “In spite of all similarities, every living situation has, like a newborn child, a new face, that has never been before and will never come again. It demands of you a reaction that cannot be prepared beforehand. It demands nothing of what is past. It demands presence, responsibility; it demands you”

Being Authentic Is A Key For Vibrant Living

For most of us, consistent authenticity involves conscious, courageous effort. It’s a challenge to recognize our deceptions and pretenses, and differentiate them from actual self-discovery. Each moment our integrity is connected with willingness to be authentic. Authenticity vitalizes our immediate experience, and also enriches the service legacy we create for others.

Willing To Be Uniquely Ourselves

The habit of authenticity makes us a distinction in the world, a human being willing to be uniquely ourselves. This isn’t about reactively differentiating ourselves, which is the flipside of following the crowd, but rather full and genuine expression of our spirit. This requires great intention, as social pressures tend towards conformity and conditioned behavior at the expense of honest realization of self.

Intention itself is a spiritually-based principle of personal growth. A fundamental characteristic of intention is clarity- to be completely clear on who we want to be, what we want to experience, and the actions and results that flow from that. In addition to clarity, fully believing that our intention is possible is also essential. A third element is readiness to accept what we say we want for our lives. We can ask ourselves to what extent are we actually prepared to receive the abundance and success of our intention manifesting. This could lead to productively addressing self-defeating beliefs connected with, for example, a sense of unworthiness. The totality of these elements- clarity, belief and acceptance- constitutes clear intention. Clear intention is firm, yet flexible to the indications and will of the divine. Lacking clear intention we are likely to live a life with a script written by others. Living from clear intention we are truly the authors of our life.

Such a life of distinction represents a standard to which others may aspire. Of course, endeavoring for authenticity for the purpose of being recognized as an inspiration for others could well be another strategy for the ego to seek approval. Still, we can appreciate that an effect of an authentic life is that it is inherently a service to others. In fact, we may be most inspiring to those who struggle with the same challenges we handled in our journey. For example, if our path to genuineness is characterized by transforming the needy, helpless script to an assertion of power, confidence and intelligence, then our willingness to be authentic is especially poignant for people playing out a similar script. Similarly, if our transformation is marked by creative expression where formerly there was dull routine, or vulnerability that was covered by bravado, or adventurous risk-taking in place of playing not to lose, we serve as a model for others immersed in those same life-draining, surviving instead of thriving, conversations.

In the Satvatove environment we speak about assertiveness. Assertiveness is founded in authenticity. We need to know who we are and be connected with our core in order to know who or what it is we are asserting. Otherwise, in the name of assertiveness we may be into yet another game.

In a life of distinction we assert and communicate from our being. Otherwise, we get caught up in doing and having, disconnected from being, searching externally for experiences such as satisfaction, power and beauty, that are inherent to our nature. We are human beings, not human doings. Being a distinction is not only personally fulfilling- it is also, from my perspective, an integral aspect of our responsibility as human beings.

In The Beginning Was The Word

Just as the supreme creates with his word, we too, as parts of the ultimate source, create our lives with our word. In the Vedic tradition there is a literature called Upadeshamrita, or The Nectar of Instruction. It is a short book, and concludes with a depiction of the most elevated spiritual consciousness. The initial sentence of The Nectar of Instruction describes the importance of controlling words, for anyone interested in spiritual progress.Throughout the Satvatove programs we have opportunity to be aware of our relationship with our word, and its effect on our life and relationships.

Exercise

Whether or not you’ve participated in the Foundational Seminar, I ask the readers to go through a process similar to an exercise in that course. Bring to mind a time when someone made an agreement with you, and broke that agreement, and afterwards you saw the person face-to-face. Connect with this experience. Write down two or three words describing what this experience was like. Next, bring to mind a time when someone made a commitment to you, and kept it, and afterwards you saw the person, in-person. Again, connect with this experience, and on a separate list write what that felt like. Now think of an example when you made an agreement with someone, and you broke it, and afterwards you saw that person, face-to-face. Connect inside, and write a few words describing that experience. Lastly, recall an instance when you made a commitment with someone and fulfilled it. What was that like? Write it down on a separate list.

Typically, the broken agreements lists include experiences and feelings such as hurt, embarrassment, anger, undependable, confused, unclear, devalued, and disappointed. In the agreements-kept column we characteristically find words such as trust, grateful, responsible, fulfilled, secure, clear, respected, and honored. The purpose here is not to moralize about the importance of keeping our promises. It’s simply about realizing how our relationship with our word affects our experience of life. When we violate our word, then, based on our experience, as evidenced by the lists we’ve generated, our confidence and trust in others tends to decrease, and feelings like resentment, distrust, and pain are predominant. And, when we honor our agreements, confidence and trust increases, and we tend to develop an experience and environment of appreciation, affection, and harmony.

No Big or Small Agreements

Connected with this conversation about the results of our relation with our word, I’d like to offer that there aren’t big or small agreements. Consider, for example, that I say, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” and I don’t call you tomorrow. We may think, “Well, it’s no big deal.” With respect to our relationship, however, will the consequences from the broken agreements list manifest? Probably they will. Probably, at some level, your trust for me will diminish, and our relationship will feel less clean than before.

Certainly, we could think of instances where a person breaks his agreement, and the consequences discussed above perhaps will not be in effect. Suppose you’ve agreed to be somewhere at 9 AM. You stop on the side of the road and save someone’s life, and arrive at your appointment at 10 AM. Did you keep your agreement? No, though perhaps in this exceptional instance the unpleasant consequences usually attending violated commitments will not be in effect, because you served an even higher principle. I assert, though, that the vast majority of the times that we transgress our word, harmful effects materialize. Rarely are our “good stories” for not honoring our agreements actually “good stories”, in the sense that our justifications don’t negate the adverse, destructive experiences.

Many of us carry in our subconscious an equation that looks like:

Keeping Agreement =

Not Keeping Agreement

+

A Good Story

And this formula has corollaries, such as:

Being on Time =

Not Being on Time

+

A Good Story

It’s not that one side of the equation is always greater than the other. Above we cited an example - stopping on the side of the road to save a life - where the “good story” side may actually be weightier. We’re claiming that the equation isn’t an equality, though usually, more than 99% of the time, respecting our word will create an experience of life and relationship that is much more satisfying than breaching our promise.

To Grow Entails Making Challenging Commitments And Honoring Them

If we’re not creating commitment in our life, it’s likely that we’re also not sufficiently stretching ourselves to expand our limits and possibilities. If we do give our agreement, we’ll probably find that, despite our best efforts, we sometimes don’t follow through. A strategy for handling broken agreements with integrity is also a valuable tool for spiritual transformation and restoring relationships.

The Five As

A strategy we use in the Satvatove community is the “five As.” The five As are 1) acknowledge, 2) accept responsibility, 3) account, 4) apologize, and 5) amend.

“Acknowledge” means to recognize that we have a broken agreement, and to express this to the person whom we transgressed. We’re not justifying, or defending, or rationalizing that we haven’t broken a commitment. Acknowledgement also consists of empathically understanding the pain, disappointment, loss of trust, and other emotions we have caused by violating our word. Accepting responsibility, the second of the As, denotes realization that I responded in a particular way - or neglected to respond in a particular way - that caused me to not honor my word. I’m not playing the blame game; I’m accepting responsibility, and expressing that to the person to whom I broke a commitment. The third A is Account. Expression of accountability consists of genuinely explaining what happened. “Explanation” does not mean “defense,” or “excuse,” or “justification.” This truthful explanation may sometimes be rewarding, such as the example where we save a life at the expense of keeping our word. More often, though, our explanations may be unflattering, such as explaining, “I spaced-out about our appointment because I was watching television,” or “I paid a few bills instead of timely paying my debt.”

Apology is the fourth A, and it’s important to note that it’s fourth, not first. Oftentimes we act like apology is the first and only step in effectively handling a broken agreement. “I’m sorry” can be more about my need to look good, to restore my image, than about sincerely expressing remorse and reinstating the soundness of the relationship. Even more, we can imprudently use “I apologize” as implicit permission to do the same thing again. Without acknowledging what we’ve done, accepting responsibility and honestly accounting for it, apology can be hollow. Following the first three As, apology is a natural step in managing broken commitments. Amend is the fifth A, and consists of doing what we’re able to redress the situation. We may approach the other party for ideas for remedial action.

Create a Culture of Trust

Through making and keeping agreements we grow and strengthen our relationships. Each of us can identify things we could do, things we should do, to better our lives. My proposal is that before we end our day today we each make a commitment, and keep it. It could be apparently large or small. The significant point is that by creating and fulfilling an agreement, we create a culture of trust, security and optimism.