In this episode of our series, David describes the fifth essential principle for fulfilling relationships, empathy. Principles of living in a sattvic consciousness tend to overlap and support one another and this principle is no exception. Other principles of fulfilling relationships such as “Win/Win” rely on this principle of empathy.

In this episode of the series, David talks about the principle of “win/win” and describes its relationship with the spiritual principle of abundance.

In this episode of the 7 principles for fulfilling relationships video series, the essential principles of clarity and responsibility are highlighted and desribed.

In this introductory video to the 7 principles for fulfilling relationships video series, you will be given the foundational understanding which the following video lessons in the series are built on.

Without talking with you first, a supervisor unleashes his fury on an employee. He wanted those reports on his desk by noon. It’s 4:30 PM and he still doesn’t have them. In these situations, the employee will typically cower, suck it in, and build his own rage, till the pressure cooker explodes, perhaps at a co-worker. Or maybe the employee is the type to yell back or argue, or perhaps to desperately try to explain what actually happened, as the torrents of his supervisor’s hostility rain down on his head.

Statistics confirm my experience as a coach for individuals and businesses— hostilities and resentments in the workplace are on the rise. Close to 50% of workers in the United States report yelling and verbal abuse on the job. About one-tenth report physical violence and worry that their place of employment may not be safe. Economic pressures leading to more work to do, with less resources, time, and finances, contribute to increased frustrations, tensions, and even violence at all levels of organizations.

As an HR professional, your best way to effectively handle stressors is to focus on effective communication strategies. When we bring to mind “communication,” it’s natural to first think about how we express ourselves–our ability to communicate our experience and ideas in a way that impacts people. Still, in my coaching and seminars I usually begin with another element of communication—listening.

Learning to Listen

A relevant saying for the workplace is that people don’t care what you know till they know that you care. A great way to demonstrate that we care is to show we understand. For an angry person, or anyone in an emotionally charged situation, understanding can be like life air. If we get the wind knocked out of us, all we want is air. At that time, a pile of money, or our favorite meal, or a good joke doesn’t mean a thing. Similarly, sometimes what we most want is to be understood, and at such times good advice, an astute analysis, or even praise or reassurance won’t satisfy. If you notice that someone in the office, including yourself, is feeling misunderstood, consider that this could be the seed of growing tensions, hostilities, and resentment.

A technique to show that you have listened and understood is to mirror back in your own words what the person said and the feeling behind it. This is an invaluable skill to master—and to teach your employees. With reference to the scene at the start of this article, the employee might reflect, “I see that you’re angry with me because you wanted those reports by noon and you still don’t have them.” Empathic responses can go a long way toward diffusing hostility and creating a culture of genuine dialogue, as distinct from an atmosphere of simultaneous monologues. A dialogue is founded on commitment to understanding, as opposed to a pseudo conversation, which might be described as a vocal competition in which the one catching his breath is called the listener.

Several years ago I worked as a children and family counselor. On one occasion an enraged father stormed into my office. “How could you tell the judge to keep my kid in foster care?” I could have yelled back, perhaps referring to his continued substance abuse or his irresponsibility in fulfilling his performance agreement. This would have likely escalated his fury. Or I could have calmly explained to him what he could do to get his child returned, which was the outcome that both of us desired. I began with empathy, matching his intensity. “I know you are furious with me. You’re upset that I recommended to the judge to keep your child in foster care for another three months.” He continued his tirade, and I continued my attempts at showing understanding of what he expressed. After a few minutes, he did sense that I was not his enemy and that I cared about him and his son. His anger diffused through empathic listening and we were able to have a civilized and productive dialogue, during which I shared with him information about what he could do to accelerate the process of his child’s return. Once he knew that I cared, he began to care what I knew.

It’s important to distinguish between understanding and agreement. To empathically demonstrate understanding does not mean that you agree. Perhaps sometimes you consider the perspective and reaction of the other person justified, and sometimes not. Especially in those instances when we don’t agree, it’s especially helpful, albeit challenging, to suspend the expression of this disagreement and show that we understand what the person is saying and the emotion behind it. This entails really listening to what the other person is actually saying, rather than being preoccupied with what we are saying, inside ourselves, about what the person is communicating.

Research in labor-management negotiations indicates that when one party reflects back what the other party expresses, before saying what they want to express, problems are resolved twice as quickly. This may seem counterintuitive, because it would seem to take much longer to follow this process. When asked about this in company coaching or workshops that I conduct, I acknowledge that using the strategies of transformative communication does take longer—up front. In the mid- and long-term, though, it is quite efficient, because we circumvent difficulties that arise from lower-level communication.

Research has shown that in a multitude of professions, including police work, factory operations, business management, financial consulting, and sales, higher empathy correlates positively with better performance, results, and satisfaction. A study at a large polyester fiber plant demonstrated that empathy was the quality that most differentiated the most productive teams of workers from others. In the field of medicine, greater empathy correlates positively with more accurate diagnoses, higher patient satisfaction, and other desirable outcomes.

Courageous and Considerate Expression

Through high-level listening, we naturally create an environment where what we express is also respected, heard, and carefully considered. The ability to assertively express ourselves is essential for creating healthy boundaries in the workplace. Lack of such boundaries is a source of misunderstandings and anxiety.

To teach employees an effective strategy for assertive expression, remember the acronym WIN.

W What happened
I Inside feelings and thoughts
N Needs and wants

What happened. When we express, especially in interpersonally delicate situations, it is important to differentiate between what happened and my reaction to or interpretation of what happened. For example, suppose your assistant agreed that he would deliver phone messages to you within two hours after he receives them, and at the end of the week you discover that there are half a dozen messages you still didn’t receive. We might think an expression of what happened is, “You are so irresponsible, unreliable, and inconsiderate.” Actually, though, that’s not what happened. What happened is, “You agreed to get me phone messages within two hours, and this week there are at least half a dozen messages I haven’t received after several days.”

Inside feelings and thoughts. After stating what happened, an effective strategy for expressing ourselves is to use “I” statements to let the other person know how we feel. For example: “I am angry with you…I’m disappointed…I’m upset…,” rather than “you” statements, such as, “You are so undependable…If you do that once more…”

Needs and wants. Finally, we can state our needs and wants using “I” statements. For instance, “I’d like us to work cooperatively in a pleasant and trusting atmosphere. For this to happen, I need for you to honor your agreements to punctually get messages to me.”

Applying communication techniques such as mirroring and WIN sets the foundation for win-win outcomes. A win-win paradigm involves commitment to everyone being satisfied. This means that we invest the time to understand what constitutes a winning result for others, and that we know how to assertively express our vision, limits, and concerns.

The Influence of Environment

Mastery of communication contributes greatly to a supportive and nurturing office culture. Consideration of several other factors will also reduce unnecessary anxiety and workplace pressures. Esther Sternberg refers to “hierarchy stress,” and describes common scenarios related to systemic hierarchical dynamics in organizations that generate high stress levels for persons at all levels of a company. She describes contributing stressors, such as cramped, noisy surroundings, an interpersonal atmosphere that relies on fear and disparagement to motivate, uncertainty of steady employment, inflexibility in scheduling, underlying assumptions of mistrust amongst and between employees, management and ownership, and lack of psychological or financial reward for good performance.

Of course, a certain level of stress is desirable, as it inspires us to perform in excellence. Just as some physical stress strengthens muscles, a degree of work-related stress moves us to increase our capacity for production. When a muscle has no chance for relaxation between periods of stress, however, it gets damaged. Thus, creating a work environment that addresses stressors in a balanced way facilitates everyone in the company to optimize productivity and experience satisfaction in doing so.

Management at the Volvo factory in Sweden found a high rate of heart disease, stroke, and dissatisfaction amongst assembly line workers. They introduced environmental modifications to reduce stress. This included physical adjustments as well as a structure that was much more empowering, and less repetitively mechanized, for the workers. Workers felt valued and respected, maladies decreased, and job satisfaction increased. Simultaneously, product quality increased. Win-win for everyone.

Be-Do-Have

Another important factor in lessening workplace pressures is to like what we do. If our job is aligned with our integrity, a source of meaningful purpose, then we will be more capable to handle challenging situations in a life-enhancing manner.

In this regard, much of the coaching I do in companies is internally focused, centered on development of intrinsic qualities that are conducive to career and life satisfaction. Often these efforts are geared toward shifting from a have-do-be to a be-do-have approach.

Have-do-be might sound something like, “If I have a few hundred thousand dollars in the bank, and a house of a certain size, and a particular position in the company, then I’ll be secure, satisfied, and powerful.” Actually, this is a weak stance, because it assumes that I am intrinsically not secure, satisfied, and powerful. If you shift to the paradigm of be-do-have, you know that to experience security, satisfaction, and power is not dependent on having anything external, because you inherently are secure, satisfied, powerful, balanced, vibrant, and confident. From that foundation you may choose to focus your energies toward obtaining a position or acquiring assets. In be-do-have, you choose happiness and security, rather than chase happiness and security. It might sound like this: Because I am happy and have a positive outlook, I do better work and pursue meaning in my work, and this leads to increasing financial rewards.

One of my coaching clients and I once focused specifically on him being patient and peaceful—qualities that were missing in his life, and which he wanted to cultivate. With earnest effort he connected with the patience and calm inherent to his being. During our following coaching session, he described with surprise that his supervisor had asked him to accept a position with increased responsibility, involving training others. The supervisor particularly mentioned that she offered the promotion because of his patience, and his ability to remain calm in stressful situations. Being patient and peaceful naturally resulted in acting in ways that patient and peaceful act (in this instance a more rewarding career activity), and having things that patient and peaceful people have (in this example an increased income). That’s be-do-have.

When employees are using the tools and techniques of transformative communication, it creates a workplace conducive to handling potentially volatile work situations with composure and poise. Commitment to the interpersonal and self-development techniques of transformative communication converts conflict into cooperation in the company culture, and helps make “work” an enriching and inspiring place to be.

There is a proverb: If you love what you do, you’ll never have to work. My aim in teaching transformative communication through experiential seminars and personal and corporate coaching is to facilitate “work” environments where increasing numbers of people never have to work.

With rising fuel costs, longer commutes, and threatened layoffs, workplace morale is at an all-time low–and frustration is on the rise. In many cases, workers are being asked to do more work for less pay. The result? Frustration and desk rage are rampant in the workplace.

What do you do when faced with a hostile or difficult co-worker? What can you do if you feel rage rising in yourself? Here are some time-proven techniques to diffuse workplace frustration and dispel desk rage.

When someone rages at you:

Blank out your emotions. Stay emotionally neutral. Take a breath, keep your voice low and slow, and don’t take it personally. His rage is not about you. It’s about him. Don’t let fear or your own anger take hold.

Restate, restate, restate. Restate in your own words, as best you can, what you just heard. Don’t add judgments or interpretations. For example, the raging coworker says, “You screwed up my presentation by not having the report I asked you for! We’re gonna lose this client, thanks to you!” You might respond, “I know you’re furious with me. You’re upset that I didn’t have the report you requested, and you think this could jeopardize our client contract.”

Be a mirror. Each time he comes back at you, accurately reflect back what he just said. He’ll quickly see you’re not his enemy, and that you’re listening to him and understanding him. Watch how this simple technique converts hostility into reasonable dialogue.

When you’re feeling rage at someone else:

Just the facts, ma’am. Simply state the facts of what happened. Don’t interpret or analyze them. For example, you might say, “You agreed to be at work on time, and to call me if you were going to be late. Three days in the past week you arrived more than a half hour late–and one of those days was a staff meeting where I really needed your assistance.”

Give it a feeling. Next, use “I” statements to express how you feel. For example, “I am frustrated by this and feel disrespected.” Avoid “you” statements, such as “You made me angry.”

Need and want. Finally, tell the person what you need or want, using “I” statements again. So you might say, “I want an assistant who is respectful and responsible. I need you to honor your agreements.”

* * * * *
David Wolf, PhD is a life skills coach and social worker, a workplace communications specialist, and the author of Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living (Mandala Publishing, 2008, $14.95). He teaches transformative communication at Satvatove Institute (www.satvatove.com), a educational nonprofit organization he founded, based in north Florida.

Satvatove Institute is the personal development company in north Florida. Although we’ve conducted leadership, communication and transformation seminars in more than a dozen countries around the world, Satvatove is based in Alachua County, Florida. Since 1999 we’ve taught 23 Satvatove Foundational Seminars, and 10 Advanced Seminars in north central Florida. Seminar participants have travelled from all over the world to attend these Satvatove experiences in Florida, though mainly these courses serve people in the areas of Orlando, Tampa, Jacksonville, St. Petersburg, Tallahassee and Atlanta. Our next set of workshops will be in Gainesville, Florida, where we’ll be conducting the Foundational Course from July 11-13, 2008, and the Advanced Seminar from July 21-27, 2008. Thousands of people have significantly enriched their relationships, improved their communication capacity, and achieved greater life satisfaction through these unique and powerful Satvatove seminars. I will be very glad to see you there, and let me know if you have any questions about the Satvatove courses.

Below is an excerpt from a letter I wrote to a coaching client.

“With respect to ‘excellence’, I don’t regard this as something that is essentially expressed with some external result, though it could manifest that way. Excellence is a way of being. My perspective is that our responsibility is to live in correct principles, such as striving for excellence, empathy, assertiveness, be-do-have, clear intention, accountability and consciousness in the result. Living in those principles is itself success. We are not the Supreme Controller, and thus external results, in a sense, are not ultimately under our control. Living in alignment with principles of personal growth, we want to also cultivate healthy non-attachment from results. Such non-attachment is different from apathy. In non-attachment we give full effort, with deep caring.”

Written by David Wolf

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The Satvatove approach to growth and transformation is founded in spiritual principles of personal development. Our spirit self has intrinsic ways of being. When we have clear intention, when we put consciousness in our result, then we are exhibiting these intrinsic traits of our spirit self.

We assert that to achieve a result is fully a function of intention, and zero percent dependent on action. Certainly, there may be an action toward the manifestation of our desired objective, though accomplishing the goal is not dependent on any particular action. If our intention is clear, the result will manifest in our lives, even when we meet with initial, temporary, failure. The power of intention will always actualize itself. No material impediment can prevent this actualization. Intention is founded in spirit, and spirit is superior to matter. With clear intention, we find a way to concretize the result. Implicit in the principle of clear intention is the idea that, “I might not know how it’s going to happen, but I’m certain it’s going to happen.”

Obstacles Consciousness

When we say to ourselves, “If I can overcome my obstacles, then I’ll achieve my goal,” we are living in ‘obstacle consciousness.’ These perceived obstacles might be our health, the need to acquire money, or an increase in self-confidence.

Consciousness In The Result

When our consciousness is situated in the power of our intention, then our consciousness will be in our result. We call this paradigm, ‘consciousness in the result.’ In this way of being, the result is already achieved. There are no obstacles to overcome. There may be considerations to handle as we manifest the result, but those considerations are not obstacles. These considerations are not obstacles, because even if we are temporarily blocked, we will always find a way to accomplish our goal. The accomplishment of our goal is not dependent on obstacles.

To illustrate this principle, I sometimes cite the example of A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami, founder of a world-wide Vedic based spiritual movement. In 1965 he came to the United States from Vrndavana, India, practically penniless and in possession of some ancient Sanskrit literature that he had translated. His biography describes an event that occured shortly after his arrival in New York. He was seated on a bench when a resident asked him about his life. A. C. Bhaktivedanta Swami responded by describing-in the present tense-an international organization with more than a hundred centers, millions of published copies of dozens of books, and tens of thousands of active members and supporters. Though none of this was manifest, and he may have looked to be somewhat down and out, he spoke of his vision in the present tense:

“There are one hundred eight centers, farm communities, the expansive publication and distribution of books, and diverse projects.”

His consciousness was in the result, not in obstacles.

Obstacle consciousness would have said:

“If I’m healthy enough, then maybe I’ll do this project. If I can get enough money, then maybe I’ll open some centers. If people come forward to assist me, then I can start this project.”

As events unfolded, A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami did encounter intense challenges on many dimensions. Still, due to the power of his intention, the vision described on the park bench materialized. Because of his clarity of purpose, nothing material could thwart the result.

The Supreme Power

Reflecting on these precepts we naturally reflect on the relationship between clear intention and the supreme power. Does clear intention imply that we, as spiritual entitiies with potency greater than any material obstacle, are omnipotent, with ultimate control?

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe effectively addresses the issue of the relationship between human beings, our power of intention, and God. Goethe writes, “…the moment one commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never have otherwise occured. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.

Similarly, the Bhagavad-gita describes five factors in the accomplishment of all action. They are: the place of action, the performer, the senses, the endeavor, and-ulimately-providence.

Living With Integrity

As the performer, our responsibility is to be in spiritual consciousness. This includes states of being such as clear intention, and absorbing our consciousness in the result. Though this consciousness doesn’t guarantee achievment of our goal, it does insure that we are living with integrity as spiritual entities, and that we are situated to maximize the possibility that providence will act through us to manifest our goal.

If we think about how we might apply the principle of clear intention to our lives, we might feel intimidated. We might even feel that bringing this idea into our daily life is just something we cannot do. Actually, we can release our fear and apprehension if we realize a simple truth. This principle already operates-every day-in our lives.

What is My Intention?

If we want to know what our intention is regarding our economic situation, we simply need to look at our bank account. To understand our intention concerning our body weight, simply step on the scale. Similarly, we can apply this check to our relationships, our career, our spirituality, or any other area of our life. The universe reflects our intention.

At first, this realization might be discouraging. We can transform this despondency, however, into enthusiasm by realizing the miracle of consciously using our power of intention. Much of what we’ve created in our lives-to this point-might have been the result of unconscious intentions materializing in our lives. When we become aware of these unconscious choice’s we have made in our past, these formerly unconscious intentions now enter the realm of choice. By consciously choosing our intentions, we empower ourselves to create the lives we desire.

Whatever our most cherished vision may be, let us begin it now, with clear intention, and consciousness in the goal.