In The Beginning Was The Word

Just as the supreme creates with the word, we too create our lives with our word. Self-reflection is a core principle in personal growth, and it can be especially illuminating to consider our relationship with our word. In the Vedic tradition there is a literature called Upadeshamrita, or The Nectar of Instruction. The book concludes with a depiction of the most elevated spiritual consciousness, and it starts with a description of the importance of effective management of our words, for anyone interested in spiritual progress.

In the transformative communication seminars that I conduct we ask participants to examine the effects of kept and broken agreements. Typically, experiences and feelings connected with violated agreements include hurt, embarrassment, anger, betrayal, confusion, lack of clarity, disappointment and feeling devalued. Agreements honored are usually related with experiences such as trust, gratitude, responsibility, fulfillment, security, clarity, and respect. The purpose of such examination is not to moralize about the importance of keeping our promises. It’s about realizing how our relationship with our word affects our experience of life.

In this regard I suggest that there aren’t big or small agreements. Consider, for example, that I say, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” and I don’t call. We may think, “It’s no big deal.” With respect to our relationship, however, will the consequences noted above be in effect? Probably they will. At some level, your trust for me will likely diminish, and our relationship will be less whole.

Commitment is essential for self-development. Without it, we’re likely not going to significantly expand our possibilities and comfort zone. When we make agreements, we’ll probably find that, despite our best efforts, we sometimes don’t follow through. A strategy for handling broken agreements with integrity is a valuable tool for restoring relationships.

The Five As

An effective approach is the “five As”, which are 1) Acknowledge, 2) Accept responsibility, 3) Account, 4) Apologize, and 5) Amend. “Acknowledge” means to recognize that we have a broken agreement, and to express this to the person whom we transgressed. Accepting responsibility, the second of the As, denotes realization that I responded in a particular way that caused me to not honor my word. The third A is Account. Expression of accountability consists of genuinely explaining what happened. Apology is the fourth A, and it’s noteworthy that it’s fourth, not first. Oftentimes we act like apology is the first and only step in effectively handling a broken agreement. “I’m sorry” can be more about my need to restore my image, than about sincerely reinstating the soundness of the relationship. Amend is the fifth A, and consists of actively redressing the situation.

A Culture Of Trust

‘Tis a season for making resolutions, when we consider things we can do to better our lives. This is a powerful opportunity to enhance the culture of trust in our relationships, and within ourselves. My proposal is that we invoke special awareness of the effects in our life and relationships when we make an agreement and keep it.

In this episode of the series, David talks about the principle of “win/win” and describes its relationship with the spiritual principle of abundance.

With increasing prices in nearly every market, many employees are now being expected to work more, for less pay. It is clear to see that tensions in the workplace are growing rapidly in this demanding environment.

In this Fox News interview, David Wolf Ph.D gives tools and techniques that are immediately applicable in your life, to deal with workplace hostility and create a more pleasant, peaceful, and appreciative workplace environment.

Author Advises How to Deal With “Desk Rage”
By Sheryl Silver

“If you’re on the receiving end of someone’s desk rage, understanding is a powerful tool to employ,” said Wolf. “If we can show that we understand what the person raging is saying, we can often diffuse the situation and help them deal with their grievance(s) in a calmer, more effective way.”

David B. Wolf, PhD, author
Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living
You’ve probably heard of road rage — but what about “desk rage”? It’s a term used to describe the hostility and on-the-job outbursts people experience when they can no longer control their anger or cope with frustrations at work.

Desk rage isn’t a new phenomenon but according to David B. Wolf, PhD, author of Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living, it appears to be on the rise.

“I don’t have statistics to document the increase in desk rage,” said Wolf, “but anecdotally, I am hearing about it more lately from managers with whom I do coaching.”

The stresses of the current economy may be a contributing factor. Besides rising fuel prices and lower home values, Wolf pointed out that after companies cut their employee ranks, as many have done recently, the remaining employees tend to inherit the tasks their terminated co-workers handled.

“Typically, these employees are asked to handle the increased workload with no increase in salary and no real expectation of job security,” said Wolf. “The situation is a recipe for frustration and a rise in desk rage.”

While Wolf says most people don’t handle desk rage well, he believes they can learn to cope more successfully with it by employing certain communication techniques.

For starters, Wolf said it’s important to remain emotionally neutral when an episode of desk rage occurs. “Sometimes the anger being expressed is about a third party — a boss, another co-worker. But even if the rage is directed at you, don’t react defensively,” said Wolf. “Take a deep breath, keep your voice low, and remember the person’s rage isn’t really about you.”

The key, according to Wolf, is not letting fear or your own anger take hold in such a situation. “If you’re on the receiving end of someone’s desk rage, understanding is a powerful tool to employ,” said Wolf. “If we can show that we understand what the person raging is saying, we can often diffuse the situation and help them deal with their grievance(s) in a calmer, more effective way.”

“Understanding, by the way, does not necessarily mean agreeing with the person,” added Wolf. “Sometimes we might think the person is justified in their anger but sometimes we don’t. How we respond to the person expressing the anger, however, is key to de-escalating the rage factor.”

“Mirroring” what the person is saying is one way to convey your understanding. This approach involves restating, as best you can, what you just heard the person say to you. For example, if the raging co-worker said, “You screwed up my presentation by not having the report I asked for. We’re going to lose this client thanks to you!” you could respond, “I know you’re furious. You’re upset I didn’t have the report you requested and think this could jeopardize our client contract.”

“This approach allows the outraged co-worker an opportunity to confirm that what you heard and understood was correct — or to say, No, that’s not what I said,” noted Wolf. “When this technique is utilized in labor/management negotiations, it’s helped to speed the result because it helps prevent misunderstanding while creating an atmosphere of understanding.”

What if you’re not on the receiving end of desk rage but feel as if you’re the person about to explode at work? Wolf recommends taking a deep breath and stating the facts of the situation upsetting you — minus any anger. For example, you might say, “The last time we met, you agreed to be at work on time daily and to call me if you were going to be late. Three days in the past week, you arrived more than a half hour late — and one of those delays was during a staff meeting when I really needed your assistance.”

Next, Wolf suggests using “I” statements to express how you feel. Regarding the previous situation, you might say, “I was frustrated by this and feel disrespected.” He suggests avoiding “you” statements such as “You made me angry.”

Finally, tell the person you’re annoyed with what you need or want, again using “I” statements. With the incident above, you could state, “I want an assistant who is respectful and responsible. I need you to honor your agreements.”

What’s the point of this approach? “We’re not denying our anger but by communicating in a less emotional and judgmental way, we’re maximizing the potential to have our concerns heard and acted upon positively,” said Wolf.

By Dawn Anfuso, Workwise
Article Launched: 08/06/2008 09:05:45 PM PDT

Years ago, while working at a fast-food restaurant, I witnessed a manager chase an employee around, yelling obscenities at him. Even at my young age and inexperience, I knew that wasn’t proper workplace behavior.

As the economy declines, and companies cut their work forces, this type of rage tends to manifest frequently among the workers “left behind.” They’re expected to do more for the same salary - with less job security, little hope for a raise and skyrocketing gas prices cutting into their earnings. It’s a recipe for frustration.

A 2008 study published in Human Resources Executive Online found that frustrated employees may represent 20 percent or more of the total work force.

When tension spreads in the workplace, so does the potential for hostility and desk rage. In fact, the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health reports nearly half of American workers have faced yelling and verbal abuse on the job, and one in four workers have been driven to tears.

Communications expert David Wolf says few people know how to cope effectively with desk rage because they’ve never been taught simple techniques to deflect it.

Wolf, a life skills coach, a social worker and the author of “Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living,” offers techniques to defuse workplace frustration:

When someone rages at you:

Stay emotionally neutral. Take a breath, keep your voice low and slow, and don’t take
Advertisement
it personally. Don’t let fear or your own anger take hold.

Restate in your own words what you just heard. Don’t add judgments or interpretations.

Be a mirror. Each time he or she comes back at you, accurately reflect back what he or she just said. They’ll quickly see that you’re listening to them. Watch how this simple technique converts hostility into reasonable dialogue.

and understanding When you’re feeling rage:

Simply state the facts of what happened. Don’t interpret or analyze them. For example, say, “You agreed to be at work on time, and to call me if you were going to be late. Three days in the past week you arrived more than a half hour late - and one of those days we had a staff meeting at which I really needed your assistance.”

Use “I” statements to express how you feel. For example, “I am frustrated by this and feel disrespected.” Avoid “you” statements, such as “You made me angry.”

Finally, tell the person what you need or want, using “I” statements. You might say, “I want an assistant who is respectful and responsible. I need you to honor your agreements.”

Dawn Anfuso is a South Bay-based business writer and former managing editor of Workforce magazine. If you have workplace or job-search questions, email Dawn at dawnanfuso@ yahoo.com. Writers will remain anonymous.
http://www.dailybreeze.com/ci_10121247?IADID=Search-www.dailybreeze.com-www.dailybreeze.com

With rising fuel costs, longer commutes, and threatened layoffs, workplace morale is at an all-time low–and frustration is on the rise. In many cases, workers are being asked to do more work for less pay. The result? Frustration and desk rage are rampant in the workplace.

What do you do when faced with a hostile or difficult co-worker? What can you do if you feel rage rising in yourself? Here are some time-proven techniques to diffuse workplace frustration and dispel desk rage.

When someone rages at you:

Blank out your emotions. Stay emotionally neutral. Take a breath, keep your voice low and slow, and don’t take it personally. His rage is not about you. It’s about him. Don’t let fear or your own anger take hold.

Restate, restate, restate. Restate in your own words, as best you can, what you just heard. Don’t add judgments or interpretations. For example, the raging coworker says, “You screwed up my presentation by not having the report I asked you for! We’re gonna lose this client, thanks to you!” You might respond, “I know you’re furious with me. You’re upset that I didn’t have the report you requested, and you think this could jeopardize our client contract.”

Be a mirror. Each time he comes back at you, accurately reflect back what he just said. He’ll quickly see you’re not his enemy, and that you’re listening to him and understanding him. Watch how this simple technique converts hostility into reasonable dialogue.

When you’re feeling rage at someone else:

Just the facts, ma’am. Simply state the facts of what happened. Don’t interpret or analyze them. For example, you might say, “You agreed to be at work on time, and to call me if you were going to be late. Three days in the past week you arrived more than a half hour late–and one of those days was a staff meeting where I really needed your assistance.”

Give it a feeling. Next, use “I” statements to express how you feel. For example, “I am frustrated by this and feel disrespected.” Avoid “you” statements, such as “You made me angry.”

Need and want. Finally, tell the person what you need or want, using “I” statements again. So you might say, “I want an assistant who is respectful and responsible. I need you to honor your agreements.”

* * * * *
David Wolf, PhD is a life skills coach and social worker, a workplace communications specialist, and the author of Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living (Mandala Publishing, 2008, $14.95). He teaches transformative communication at Satvatove Institute (www.satvatove.com), a educational nonprofit organization he founded, based in north Florida.

0% Action

The Satvatove approach to growth and transformation is founded in spiritual principles of personal development. Our spirit self has intrinsic ways of being. When we have clear intention, when we put consciousness in our result, then we are exhibiting these intrinsic traits of our spirit self.

We assert that to achieve a result is fully a function of intention, and zero percent dependent on action. Certainly, there may be an action toward the manifestation of our desired objective, though accomplishing the goal is not dependent on any particular action. If our intention is clear, the result will manifest in our lives, even when we meet with initial, temporary, failure. The power of intention will always actualize itself. No material impediment can prevent this actualization. Intention is founded in spirit, and spirit is superior to matter. With clear intention, we find a way to concretize the result. Implicit in the principle of clear intention is the idea that, “I might not know how it’s going to happen, but I’m certain it’s going to happen.”

Obstacles Consciousness

When we say to ourselves, “If I can overcome my obstacles, then I’ll achieve my goal,” we are living in ‘obstacle consciousness.’ These perceived obstacles might be our health, the need to acquire money, or an increase in self-confidence.

Consciousness In The Result

When our consciousness is situated in the power of our intention, then our consciousness will be in our result. We call this paradigm, ‘consciousness in the result.’ In this way of being, the result is already achieved. There are no obstacles to overcome. There may be considerations to handle as we manifest the result, but those considerations are not obstacles. These considerations are not obstacles, because even if we are temporarily blocked, we will always find a way to accomplish our goal. The accomplishment of our goal is not dependent on obstacles.

To illustrate this principle, I sometimes cite the example of A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami, founder of a world-wide Vedic based spiritual movement. In 1965 he came to the United States from Vrndavana, India, practically penniless and in possession of some ancient Sanskrit literature that he had translated. His biography describes an event that occured shortly after his arrival in New York. He was seated on a bench when a resident asked him about his life. A. C. Bhaktivedanta Swami responded by describing-in the present tense-an international organization with more than a hundred centers, millions of published copies of dozens of books, and tens of thousands of active members and supporters. Though none of this was manifest, and he may have looked to be somewhat down and out, he spoke of his vision in the present tense:

“There are one hundred eight centers, farm communities, the expansive publication and distribution of books, and diverse projects.”

His consciousness was in the result, not in obstacles.

Obstacle consciousness would have said:

“If I’m healthy enough, then maybe I’ll do this project. If I can get enough money, then maybe I’ll open some centers. If people come forward to assist me, then I can start this project.”

As events unfolded, A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami did encounter intense challenges on many dimensions. Still, due to the power of his intention, the vision described on the park bench materialized. Because of his clarity of purpose, nothing material could thwart the result.

The Supreme Power

Reflecting on these precepts we naturally reflect on the relationship between clear intention and the supreme power. Does clear intention imply that we, as spiritual entitiies with potency greater than any material obstacle, are omnipotent, with ultimate control?

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe effectively addresses the issue of the relationship between human beings, our power of intention, and God. Goethe writes, “…the moment one commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never have otherwise occured. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.

Similarly, the Bhagavad-gita describes five factors in the accomplishment of all action. They are: the place of action, the performer, the senses, the endeavor, and-ulimately-providence.

Living With Integrity

As the performer, our responsibility is to be in spiritual consciousness. This includes states of being such as clear intention, and absorbing our consciousness in the result. Though this consciousness doesn’t guarantee achievment of our goal, it does insure that we are living with integrity as spiritual entities, and that we are situated to maximize the possibility that providence will act through us to manifest our goal.

If we think about how we might apply the principle of clear intention to our lives, we might feel intimidated. We might even feel that bringing this idea into our daily life is just something we cannot do. Actually, we can release our fear and apprehension if we realize a simple truth. This principle already operates-every day-in our lives.

What is My Intention?

If we want to know what our intention is regarding our economic situation, we simply need to look at our bank account. To understand our intention concerning our body weight, simply step on the scale. Similarly, we can apply this check to our relationships, our career, our spirituality, or any other area of our life. The universe reflects our intention.

At first, this realization might be discouraging. We can transform this despondency, however, into enthusiasm by realizing the miracle of consciously using our power of intention. Much of what we’ve created in our lives-to this point-might have been the result of unconscious intentions materializing in our lives. When we become aware of these unconscious choice’s we have made in our past, these formerly unconscious intentions now enter the realm of choice. By consciously choosing our intentions, we empower ourselves to create the lives we desire.

Whatever our most cherished vision may be, let us begin it now, with clear intention, and consciousness in the goal.

An Uplifting, Purpose-Filled Spiritual Pursuit

Self-awareness moves us to choose life-enriching principles by which to live, some of which, such as Be-Do-Have, clear intention, and keeping agreements, have been described in previous articles. Spiritual principles for personal growth are universal, and thus, even if we are not able to articulate them, they are familiar, being inherent to our core being. Without actively applying these principles, we run the danger that our existence becomes a sort of animalistic struggle for survival, rather than an uplifting, purpose-filled spiritual pursuit.

What is Our Presentation to the World?

Each of us has a presentation to the world. Sometimes this presentation is authentic, where what is presented outside is consistent with what is happening inside. At other times our presentation is not genuine. We wear masks, facades.

Living From Choice

A spiritual principle of self-development is to live from choice, rather than from fear. Transforming our relationship with fear is an essential process of spiritual growth. Though fear may be present, instead of it being a cue to withdraw it becomes a signal to step forward and courageously take a risk. Sometimes we may put up masks from choice, such as deliberately responding that we are fine, although we don’t feel that way, because we simply don’t want to enter into conversation about our troubles. What we are addressing here is when we wear masks out of fear.

Masks take diverse forms, as varied as our personalities. There is the “happy” mask, where we want to be seen as a happy person, regardless of what may be going on inside. Being “strong” can be a mask, as can being “the class clown”, or “intellectual”. Playing the victim, or the “spiritualist”, or the helpless person, are other forms of facades.

What is Our Authentic Presentation to the World?

Of course, each of the types of masks listed above are not always masks. Each of us has a genuine happy and joyful side, an authentic intellectual way of being, a sense of humor, a strong side, a fragile side. It is when we feel we have to be a certain way, rather than choosing to be that way, that our authenticity is compromised. If I “have to” appear as “spiritual”, at the expense of acknowledging to the world, and perhaps to myself, desires or emotions that seem non-spiritual, then my spirituality is a mask and not a genuine disposition. If I feel I have to show myself as an intellectual, even at times when I would really like to drop that front and be playful, spontaneous, or emotionally expressive, then my intellectuality is a mask.

Are We Exhausted Yet?

Most of us spend much of our energy holding up masks, and pushing down experiences that we resist acknowledging. It is like holding a beach ball underwater, which requires a lot of effort to keep it down. After a while we become exhausted. A characteristic of readiness for spiritual growth is that we are exhausted with holding down our emotional beach ball. That is not how we want to spend our life energy any longer.

Living and Surviving

There is a distinction between living and surviving. Spiritually-based personal growth entails a commitment to living, rather than mere surviving. Surviving is reactive. We are in reaction to the beach ball. Holding our head above the surface, maybe putting on a smile, we show that we are in control. Actually, though, it is a pretense of control. Wherever the submerged ball moves, we move with it, not daring to allow it to be seen. It shifts here or there, and we follow. Who or what is in control? Even if we manage with great effort to keep it under, it is noticed.

Perhaps we conceal our rage, not knowing an acceptable means for its expression. But it comes out in different ways, like our irritability or loss of temper at petty things. It is similar with other components of our emotional beach ball, such as shame. Though we don’t want the world to see our sense of shame, or to recognize it ourselves, it drives our life, pervades our experience and relationships with feeling of inadequacy, of being inherently defective. It prevents us from fully sharing ourselves.

Strategies For Survival

A strategy for survival is to maintain the appearance of control. By doing this, the mask stays up, and the beach ball down. This is related to other strategies of survival, such as avoiding pain, looking good, and being right. “Looking good” means that we are invested in an appearance, rather than in being authentic. For each of us that inauthentic appearance has different forms, as explained in relation to our masks. For some of us looking good might mean showing ourselves as the strong helper. For some, looking good might mean “looking bad”, the rebel, the defiant person who doesn’t accept authority. Of course, blindly accepting authority is no virtue, though neither is indiscriminately resisting it.

“Being right” refers to a strategy where what becomes important is being right with another person, instead of genuinely being with another person. We get to be right, feel superior and self-righteous, at the expense of the closeness, understanding and intimacy we truly desire.

Strategies For Living

A life-enriching strategy conducive for the complete manifestation of our spiritual being is to participate fully in our lives, to give 100%. Not showing up fully for our own lives is at the core of self-sabotaging strategies. In fact, it is the foundation of repeating self-defeating cycles, because by not committing fully we restrict our potential to learn through experience. Acquiring wisdom involves granting ourselves the permission to make mistakes through which we learn.

A term like “experience fully” may evoke images of abandoning one’s intelligence or reason. Actually, to be fully present includes being completely available with all our faculties, including our mind and intelligence. Conscious living entails utilizing our intelligence to enrich and inform our experience. There is a distinction between employing mind and intelligence to enhance our complete contribution and presence, and using our analytical capacity as a barrier to experience. Making distinctions and judgments are a natural function of intelligence. Hiding behind those judgments is a survival strategy, borne of fear, that limits our growth, connection and experience.

Living in the Moment

Related to this, there is also an important distinction between living in the moment, and living for the moment. Living in the moment is being present, with all our qualities and capacities available. In the well known Indian scripture the Bhagavad-gita, Sri Krsna describes a person in this state as being free from lamentation about the past and hankering for the future. He is satisfied in the present. This is not the same as living for the moment, where we may whimsically abandon good sense for immediate gratification. Conscious, present living includes learning from the past, and planning for the future. In doing this, we don’t wallow in lamentation, nor do we brood in anxiety.

Giving ourselves fully to our experience is not the same as wallowing in distressing emotion. When we allow ourselves to fully experience, we feel clean, complete, resolved and ready for the next experience. To wallow in a feeling is a way of holding on to it, rather than letting it go by truly experiencing it completely.

To summarize, some common strategies for survival are being right, looking good, avoiding pain, maintaining the appearance of control, and hiding behind judgments. Life-enhancing strategies include participating fully in our lives, being courageous, suspending judgments, being vulnerable, and living with a sense of urgency.