Author Advises How to Deal With “Desk Rage”
By Sheryl Silver

“If you’re on the receiving end of someone’s desk rage, understanding is a powerful tool to employ,” said Wolf. “If we can show that we understand what the person raging is saying, we can often diffuse the situation and help them deal with their grievance(s) in a calmer, more effective way.”

David B. Wolf, PhD, author
Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living
You’ve probably heard of road rage — but what about “desk rage”? It’s a term used to describe the hostility and on-the-job outbursts people experience when they can no longer control their anger or cope with frustrations at work.

Desk rage isn’t a new phenomenon but according to David B. Wolf, PhD, author of Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living, it appears to be on the rise.

“I don’t have statistics to document the increase in desk rage,” said Wolf, “but anecdotally, I am hearing about it more lately from managers with whom I do coaching.”

The stresses of the current economy may be a contributing factor. Besides rising fuel prices and lower home values, Wolf pointed out that after companies cut their employee ranks, as many have done recently, the remaining employees tend to inherit the tasks their terminated co-workers handled.

“Typically, these employees are asked to handle the increased workload with no increase in salary and no real expectation of job security,” said Wolf. “The situation is a recipe for frustration and a rise in desk rage.”

While Wolf says most people don’t handle desk rage well, he believes they can learn to cope more successfully with it by employing certain communication techniques.

For starters, Wolf said it’s important to remain emotionally neutral when an episode of desk rage occurs. “Sometimes the anger being expressed is about a third party — a boss, another co-worker. But even if the rage is directed at you, don’t react defensively,” said Wolf. “Take a deep breath, keep your voice low, and remember the person’s rage isn’t really about you.”

The key, according to Wolf, is not letting fear or your own anger take hold in such a situation. “If you’re on the receiving end of someone’s desk rage, understanding is a powerful tool to employ,” said Wolf. “If we can show that we understand what the person raging is saying, we can often diffuse the situation and help them deal with their grievance(s) in a calmer, more effective way.”

“Understanding, by the way, does not necessarily mean agreeing with the person,” added Wolf. “Sometimes we might think the person is justified in their anger but sometimes we don’t. How we respond to the person expressing the anger, however, is key to de-escalating the rage factor.”

“Mirroring” what the person is saying is one way to convey your understanding. This approach involves restating, as best you can, what you just heard the person say to you. For example, if the raging co-worker said, “You screwed up my presentation by not having the report I asked for. We’re going to lose this client thanks to you!” you could respond, “I know you’re furious. You’re upset I didn’t have the report you requested and think this could jeopardize our client contract.”

“This approach allows the outraged co-worker an opportunity to confirm that what you heard and understood was correct — or to say, No, that’s not what I said,” noted Wolf. “When this technique is utilized in labor/management negotiations, it’s helped to speed the result because it helps prevent misunderstanding while creating an atmosphere of understanding.”

What if you’re not on the receiving end of desk rage but feel as if you’re the person about to explode at work? Wolf recommends taking a deep breath and stating the facts of the situation upsetting you — minus any anger. For example, you might say, “The last time we met, you agreed to be at work on time daily and to call me if you were going to be late. Three days in the past week, you arrived more than a half hour late — and one of those delays was during a staff meeting when I really needed your assistance.”

Next, Wolf suggests using “I” statements to express how you feel. Regarding the previous situation, you might say, “I was frustrated by this and feel disrespected.” He suggests avoiding “you” statements such as “You made me angry.”

Finally, tell the person you’re annoyed with what you need or want, again using “I” statements. With the incident above, you could state, “I want an assistant who is respectful and responsible. I need you to honor your agreements.”

What’s the point of this approach? “We’re not denying our anger but by communicating in a less emotional and judgmental way, we’re maximizing the potential to have our concerns heard and acted upon positively,” said Wolf.

By Dawn Anfuso, Workwise
Article Launched: 08/06/2008 09:05:45 PM PDT

Years ago, while working at a fast-food restaurant, I witnessed a manager chase an employee around, yelling obscenities at him. Even at my young age and inexperience, I knew that wasn’t proper workplace behavior.

As the economy declines, and companies cut their work forces, this type of rage tends to manifest frequently among the workers “left behind.” They’re expected to do more for the same salary - with less job security, little hope for a raise and skyrocketing gas prices cutting into their earnings. It’s a recipe for frustration.

A 2008 study published in Human Resources Executive Online found that frustrated employees may represent 20 percent or more of the total work force.

When tension spreads in the workplace, so does the potential for hostility and desk rage. In fact, the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health reports nearly half of American workers have faced yelling and verbal abuse on the job, and one in four workers have been driven to tears.

Communications expert David Wolf says few people know how to cope effectively with desk rage because they’ve never been taught simple techniques to deflect it.

Wolf, a life skills coach, a social worker and the author of “Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living,” offers techniques to defuse workplace frustration:

When someone rages at you:

Stay emotionally neutral. Take a breath, keep your voice low and slow, and don’t take
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it personally. Don’t let fear or your own anger take hold.

Restate in your own words what you just heard. Don’t add judgments or interpretations.

Be a mirror. Each time he or she comes back at you, accurately reflect back what he or she just said. They’ll quickly see that you’re listening to them. Watch how this simple technique converts hostility into reasonable dialogue.

and understanding When you’re feeling rage:

Simply state the facts of what happened. Don’t interpret or analyze them. For example, say, “You agreed to be at work on time, and to call me if you were going to be late. Three days in the past week you arrived more than a half hour late - and one of those days we had a staff meeting at which I really needed your assistance.”

Use “I” statements to express how you feel. For example, “I am frustrated by this and feel disrespected.” Avoid “you” statements, such as “You made me angry.”

Finally, tell the person what you need or want, using “I” statements. You might say, “I want an assistant who is respectful and responsible. I need you to honor your agreements.”

Dawn Anfuso is a South Bay-based business writer and former managing editor of Workforce magazine. If you have workplace or job-search questions, email Dawn at dawnanfuso@ yahoo.com. Writers will remain anonymous.
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With rising fuel costs, longer commutes, and threatened layoffs, workplace morale is at an all-time low–and frustration is on the rise. In many cases, workers are being asked to do more work for less pay. The result? Frustration and desk rage are rampant in the workplace.

What do you do when faced with a hostile or difficult co-worker? What can you do if you feel rage rising in yourself? Here are some time-proven techniques to diffuse workplace frustration and dispel desk rage.

When someone rages at you:

Blank out your emotions. Stay emotionally neutral. Take a breath, keep your voice low and slow, and don’t take it personally. His rage is not about you. It’s about him. Don’t let fear or your own anger take hold.

Restate, restate, restate. Restate in your own words, as best you can, what you just heard. Don’t add judgments or interpretations. For example, the raging coworker says, “You screwed up my presentation by not having the report I asked you for! We’re gonna lose this client, thanks to you!” You might respond, “I know you’re furious with me. You’re upset that I didn’t have the report you requested, and you think this could jeopardize our client contract.”

Be a mirror. Each time he comes back at you, accurately reflect back what he just said. He’ll quickly see you’re not his enemy, and that you’re listening to him and understanding him. Watch how this simple technique converts hostility into reasonable dialogue.

When you’re feeling rage at someone else:

Just the facts, ma’am. Simply state the facts of what happened. Don’t interpret or analyze them. For example, you might say, “You agreed to be at work on time, and to call me if you were going to be late. Three days in the past week you arrived more than a half hour late–and one of those days was a staff meeting where I really needed your assistance.”

Give it a feeling. Next, use “I” statements to express how you feel. For example, “I am frustrated by this and feel disrespected.” Avoid “you” statements, such as “You made me angry.”

Need and want. Finally, tell the person what you need or want, using “I” statements again. So you might say, “I want an assistant who is respectful and responsible. I need you to honor your agreements.”

* * * * *
David Wolf, PhD is a life skills coach and social worker, a workplace communications specialist, and the author of Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living (Mandala Publishing, 2008, $14.95). He teaches transformative communication at Satvatove Institute (www.satvatove.com), a educational nonprofit organization he founded, based in north Florida.